My one great fear

I've been trying to figure out the main thing that scares me. I went from being scared of ghosts, of abandonment, of humiliation, of failure, of death, of loneliness, of fear itself, of 'myself', of my mind, and some other things I can't remember.


But here's something new:


I fear that someday my Mom would just "won't get it". If there's one person I'd like to deny knows me truly truly well, is my Mom. It's a given. We've been connected for 21 years, including the 9 months I've spent wrapped around her belly warmth. She knows me well enough to remember what I've been through. She knows me well enough to see what will become of me. And more importantly, she knows me well enough to understand where I am now. She knows me well enough that I don't need to explain, or defend, or deny, or approve.


Even if I lose my voice, she'll hear me loud and clear.
That even if I lose my sight, she'll show me every possible way.
And even if I can no longer walk, she'll wait for me down the road.
Even if I lose it all, she'll always make me whole.


And that just made me realize.
The reason I am what I am now is because she lets me.
Because she supports it.
Because she gets it.


If one day, it all stops.
Then all of this will also stop.