You never actually get used to it

When new people find out I don't live with my Mom, they'd often ask me, "Aren't you lonely?"


I'd always say, "No. I'm used to it."


Well, I used to think that I AM used to it. But lately, I've been thinking the otherwise. I WAS used to it then. But I guess not anymore.


Does that happen? You get used to situations only for 5 years and then you suddenly don't? That doesn't make sense. Time's supposed to help you get used to things. Time's supposed to make things easier.


But not for me.


5 years later, I suddenly miss my Mom... terribly.


I'm suddenly not used to it.


I'm suddenly new to it.


And so I sought the answer for weeks and after pondering, I've realized this:


When my Mother left, I was 15 years old. A junior in high school who had great friends. I was a part of the performing arts, and I'd get often asked to dance for school events. Academics were going just fine. College application is under way. And most importantly... I was a teenager.


I needed the space.


I wanted the distance.


I was happy.


I was free.


I was cool.


I enjoyed it.


I mean, yeah, it was sad too, but I wake up enjoying the days ahead. For 5 years at least.


Until suddenly, I grew up.


I suddenly need my Mom.


I suddenly hate the space.


Dislike the distance.


I was unhappy.


I felt caged.


I felt like a loser.


I don't enjoy this anymore.


I guess then when I was a sixteen year old girl, things were less complicated. For the next 4 years, the path has been laid out for me, by law and tradition. I have college ahead, and there I was thinking it was a long time.


It wasn't.


5 years later and being 20 years old, I realized the road is a big mystery I have no map no compass and no destination. I am entering a blind journey. And it's not advisable to take this road solo.


I want my Mom.


I need my Mom.


I want my family.


I need a family.


Because now I don't go home and watch a movie or do my homework and that's it.


Now I go home and figure out how I'd survive the days ahead.


A change of perspective, I suppose.


So yes, new people in my life, it does get lonely.