Baggage Dump

Things lately just suck.

Admittedly, I'm still adjusting to this whole arrangement with M.
His controlling of my life.
Of my moving out of my hometown.
Then moving into a new neighborhood that no one barely accepts you.
They judge you, every inch of your body.
M's pressure on finding desirable friends.
M's verbal attacks that hits to the bones.
And my bedroom,
I hate my bedroom.
I can't even put up posters on my wall.
I can't even go out anytime I want,
Meet whoever I want,
I always have to answer every question he asks,
And boy does he have a lot of questions.
And boy do I need to answer right.
I miss reading.
I miss my bookshelf.
I miss hanging out in my room the whole day without anyone complaining.
I miss my privacy.
I miss my Television,
and my distance to the nearest mall.
I miss going on movies,
Or eating junk food, or lots of food,
Not having to wake up so early everyday,
Just to satisfy M's itch on proper exercise.
And to deal with the kinds of people I hate the most; Weak.
Pretend I enjoy their company.
And then there's W.
Her constant complain on life,
The life she chose anyway.
And I always have to listen.
Always have to advice.
How things should be done.
Over, and over again.
Everytime she's around,
Over and over again.
And no matter how much I don't want to know,
Or care,
I need to,
I have to,
Even though it doesn't end.
It just gets worse.
Screw B,
screw him,
And I wish he would just grow up.
I wish he could just wake up and realize there is no fairytale.
Listen dude,
This is the best that you can get.
Just fucking accept what you're offered and live with it.
They all seek something that doesn't exist - Forever.
Newsflash, people in my life.
Forever doesn't exist.
I always have to be the understanding one,
the one listening,
the one advising,
the one protecting,
the one balancing shit,
sharing your baggage because I fucking love you,
the one lying for you,
because one word from me,
And all of you,
all of your secrets,
If I choose to reveal,
Would destroy everyone around me.
And everyone around you.
And you too, yes you, A
You don't even exist.
You're not supposed to exist.
You are my deepest secret and I hate the fact that you exist anyway,
And I have no escape.
You are the canvas of what it's supposed to be,
How I wanted things to be.
No matter how I get rid of you,
You just resurface, over and over,
Everytime, at the perfect time,
Just when I need you,
Just when M, W, B boils my blood to a hundred,
And my real life friends annoy the shit out of me.
You have been the escape my mind created to soothe my aching soul.
But I hate you still,
I hate your existence.
And I just wish you can disappear just like that.
And then there comes my past and present,
On a tug of war.
Each side I hold secrets that would destroy each other.
And once again,
I find myself protecting people around me.
I find myself understanding this whole shit solo,
Because they would crumble if I mention a word.
And then there are the lies,
The games,
With all the letters in the alphabet,
V as in Victory,
Doesn't feel like a victory at all.
The stupid sentiment that complicated the already complicated.
Another wtf moment,
Another whew moment.
Another silent victory on my part.
Another role,
Same actress,
Different film.
Then there comes work, waiting to happen,
In exchange of, yet again, a step into the future I wanted - Law school.
Another "almost" that again didn't happen,
And then are the things that I can't remember at the moment,
That should be written here too,
That deserves the spotlight once in a while because anyway,
I keep it all inside.
Everything.
That dates back since who knows when.
Not to mention the root of all of this.
My birth.
My identity.
The me I could have been.
The me I should have been.
If none of the lies ever existed.
If only forever existed.
But that's just what life is... temporary.
Temporary people.
Temporary life.
Temporary feelings.

The baggage.
The load.
Is getting heavier,
And heavier.