Saturday, 18 July 2015

Rebellion is not a choice.

I used to think rebellion is a choice. Maybe it's not. Maybe it happens subliminally. 

I talked to someone once. A person who doesn't exist. After all, everyone I talk to barely exists. I guess I can call that my thing now. Or is it because I encounter these people with gifted brains who figure me out so quickly, that I also kick them out of my life too quickly. No wonder I declare them non-existent. But that's a problem for another topic.

Anyway.

I told him, "I am fine though. After all, I didn't rebel. I was a good kid."

He laughed quite sarcastically and then he told me, "That's the problem in fact. Maybe you are the good type of rebellion. Doesn't make you evil or ridiculous or some sort."

"I have a career. A direction. I am not a rebel kid," I argued.

"What makes you different, is your rebellion. That fire burning in your heart that hates the weak and the naive. That willingness of yours to be different, your pursuit of change. That is your rebellion. You just don't realize it."

His words made me reconsider my disposition. Maybe I am a rebel indeed. Maybe my interest in bands and hair dye and tattoos and art and the dark side isn't just me being unique. Maybe it is me, rebelling. But the problem is, it comes so natural to me that I never realized it. 

I always thought rebellion is a choice and thus explains why people who rebel can admit it without hesitation. And when people ask them, "Are you emo?" They proudly say yes. I never did. I get irritated when people ask me that question. I always knew I was different, but never did I think I was a rebel, a bad kid, or the emo kid. I always just believed I am a girl who just happens to like black and studs. Maybe there's no such kid. There just the normal kids, and the rebel kids. 

I was convinced I was only being true to myself. Until I realized rebellion isn't a state of mind that when you believe that you are, you become what you are. 

Rebellion is not a choice.
Nor does it involve cutting or suicide.

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