I am disgusted by it

Yeah, I know.

I've heard it before.

In fact, for so many times before.

I have a new friend at work.

The words she left were, "You have a steel heart. In fact, I see myself largely upon you, several years ago. I used to think like you. Mind over the demands of the fragile heart. Always the objective choice. Perhaps, you never really consider the other choices. You act according to your brain, and what it feeds you as the right thing to do. Maybe you even have a cold heart."

Her words sank in, deeper than any other.

Although I don't know why.

Maybe because I felt her sympathy mixed with adoration,

A perfect combination of what I seek and what I avoided.

I can only nod along her comment, and say these words, 

"Yeah, I know.

I've heard it before.

In fact, for so many times before."

On the way home, I was thinking about it.

And made me realize,

It's like being brought up as a vegetarian.

You're used to it.

To you, it is your way of life.

But when you get older, you realize you can actually eat meat.

Your parents will no longer mind.

To you, meat tasted so good.

You know in your heart that it tastes good.

But you are disgusted by it.

You are grossed out by it.

Your digestive system refuses to function for it.

Deciding from the heart works the same way to me.

I am disgusted by it.

I am grossed out at it.

My mind refuses to entertain such thoughts of the heart.

Although I knew, anyway.

I knew results from the heart would feel fucking good.

But I still refuse to consider it.

Because I've been brought up that way.