I am fucking tired

I think about it sometimes.
The change.
When did it start?
When did it began?
When was the turning point?
I don't mean my obssession with make-up,
Or my phsycological disorder called I-Can't-Stop-Shopping.

It's what's inside.
I think when I got rid of my black eyeliner and skinny jeans,
I accidentally packed up my strength along with it.

The angst,
It's gone.
Vanished into thick air.

For the first time in ages,
I am welcoming pain.
And all other girly emotions I'm unfamiliar with.

I feel weakness,
So much of it.
Overwhelming.
But I no longer have the strength to turn things around.

I just feel... tired.
All the anger inside of me.
It evaporated just like that.
What's left is hopelessness,
And a constant reminder that I've become just like everyone else.

I cry.
I feel intimidated, threatened.
I'm scared.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel alone.

I also seek what everyone else seeks.
Companionship.
I am FUCKING TIRED,
of the games,
the bullshit.

I'm tired of the temporary,
I need someone permanent in my life.
I am desperate in fact.

But am I too late?
I have no idea where to begin.
Or how to begin.

No one dares give me a chance.
But I'm already out there, naked.
I took off all of my clothes, and abandoned my wall.
I stepped out of my cage,
Ruined the lock in the process.
It was difficult,
It took time,
But I managed to crawl back to my skin.

I ripped off my shell,
It's no longer reconstructible.
And I'm left in the open.
To face the people I've ignored for years,
To face the problems I've abandoned for years.

I can't go back anymore.
I don't want to go back anymore.

 But where do I go now?