The Real Me

The thing is,

My life isn't anything near what I make it sound like it is- fabulous.

When I narrate my life story I make it sound like I'm cool with it. Hence, it always appear like I'm strong and shit.
But quite honestly, the reason I do that is bc deep down inside, I'm not okay with it. And the only way to redeem myself is to at least have some people around me admire the strength I didn't have.

Lies.

It's all about the lies.

Perhaps I make it sound like I am so unattainable,
Is because one single smile flatters my heart.
One gift buys my soul.
One gesture melts my heart.

I am weak like that.
And I hate myself for it.

I fall in love quickly, don't you know.

Don't listen to my words, they are lies.
When I say I'm hurting, and didn't care,
I do.
When I act like I don't,
I still do.

I remember there was one time at work, someone gave me this beautiful box. To be honest, it was just a complimentary box, the box that comes along your expensive purchases. But it was a legit box, almost like as if it comes with a price tag. It's not made of paper, or cardboard, or plastic.

It was made of some legit material.

When it was handed to me, my initial thoughts were, "How much?"
After all everything comes with a price. Trust me, I'd learn that the hard way.

Everyone was looking at my reaction.

The assistant of my boss said, "No, she was giving it away for free. It's yours."

It was a watch box, three slots.

I think in that small window, I've let my guard down. By a gift, a box, that somebody didn't even buy. But it was the gesture, a sweet one out of the blue that dumbfounded me.

I was in denial. I immediately thought of the person who collects watches as obsessively as me. When I suggested it to the giver, she said, "No. She didn't want it. It's yours. Take it."

I was constantly asking how much it was that I've gathered up a crowd for my disbelief.

"It's for free," she insisted once more.

Finally because it's working hours, and it is already causing a disturbance, I managed to accept the gift.

I was awed. I spaced out.

At this point, not only was I surprised, but I think my officemates were as well.
They noticed my confused facial expression, and said to me, "You look like you've never received gifts before."

It was a slap in my brain. Series of memories flashback-ed and I couldn't retrieve a single instance somebody did/gave me something that touched my heart to its core. Not like it did that time with my Boss.

I managed to reply honestly, how the real me would reply, without filters, without lies. "Yeah, nobody has given me anything at all. Not anything I know they've thought over."

(Just my Mom, but she's an exemption to the rule.)

Saying it out loud like that, made me a bit sad. In fact, I've pitied myself deeply after that.

More so, I added, "I'm used to be the one who gives, not the one who receives."

Think about it.

There must me one time in our friendship, in the coarse of our relationship, that I've given you something. Maybe I intentionally forgotten that P10 you owe me. I may have volunteered once to pay your bill first and pay me later. At the very least, there must me one time you angered me so much, but I decided to let it go.

On dates, I decide everything. I drive to you, you not to me. I find a location convenient for you and convince myself I'm okay with the distance or the traffic bc I'm bored anyway. I decide which restaurant to go to, or what activities should we indulge next, cutting down the extra hour spent of you getting all confused and having no clue of any restaurant out there. It's called research, bro. Please for the love of God, IMPRESS ME.

Maybe I was wrong when I said to a friend once that I'm too lazy to do damn shitty girlfriend duties. Maybe I was willing to do so, but nothing motivates me anymore bc I usually get burnt out before anything gets deeper between us.

I get tired, then I break it off.

Anyway, back to the box.

So there I was, awestruck, and they, even more so than I, contemplated on what had just happened.

They were shocked. After all, this is the part of me no one has ever seen. This is the real me.

A box, costless.
Just a box that reminded her of me.

That among her other staffs, she gave it to me.

That is the effort I am looking for.

It doesn't have to be expensive.
It doesn't have to be anything really.

Just prove to me why you are giving it.
That why among all others, you chose me.

Prove that to me,
And you'll see me for me,
THE REAL ME.
You will be surprised.

I think in that very moment, those who saw my reaction there,
Had just shaken hands with my soul,

Hi, nice to meet you too.



PS. Please don't hurt me.