I wish I can go back two years ago, when all I had then was peace of mind. Back when I used to skip meals to save up for books, and thought of a two-hundred meal as out of budget. I settled for thrifted clothes and hated shopping. I wore plastic jewelry and makeshift pendants. Back when I rebelled against trends. Back when I thrived in my oddness. When I didn't party, or barely go out.
Two years ago, back when time used to run slow, and a day dragged hazily.
2015 and ever since I've been making wrong decisions left and right. And I never really recovered. I walked the long ass runway and caused my feet to bleed. But I kept my chin high because I enjoyed the attention. I sparkled the brightest and I loved every minute of it. It kept me high and it felt good.
But what has happened now.
I used to say I am made up of versions of myself. I thought I was being creative but all along I was just being stupid. All I did was go in circles. And now I've bumped into myself. Everything I escaped from is coming towards me in great speed. I have lost control of everything and it's eating me inside. Every version ripping a piece of my sanity.
I tried to save what I could but the sensation lingered. I am chained in the game, trapped inside the cage I designed myself.
Time has arrived upon notice that I cheated all this time. I am out of moves, but I keep dragging myself forward, injuring myself more and more until the hope left inside me turns sour. I befriended ignorance to survive each day and it kept me alive.
Until now.
I inhaled my oxygen from the tank of "hope".
Hope that one day things will be fine.
Hope that one day... that day never comes.
Until it does.
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