Maybe I'm just ready

I have an important life event tomorrow, yet I found my way back to this blog.

I am a little worried, I admit. "Summer" break is about to end, and I'm about to re-face reality. My routine will transition back to being "fucked up" and it would be harsh. I refuse to let go of the new things I've built into my life these past two months. How quickly I've made new friends. How easily I've adjusted to a new life. 

I think he sees this too, because all of a sudden he invited me on a scuba diving trip down south. I understand his willingness to wander off with me, for it is obvious when we talk about plans to go places. I've mentioned my desire to experience new things, and he suggested to help. I am well aware of his busy schedule. And I know where it is rooted from. He shared this much to me. So working around his schedule to match mine is truly remarkable. 

It's not crystal clear, but it's determinable. What we have is way beyond a professional relationship. 

He would hold his gaze at me in between workouts until I break the ice. Sometimes, he would even flash a smile. He would randomly come up to me for a chat though he's working on a client. Wherever I make "tambay", he always seem to be around too. He would ambush conversations although he wasn't really a part of it. Sometimes I get the feeling that his line of sight follows me wherever I go, and he would overhear conversations I have with other people. He also appear to be checking me out from time to time. I can feel it in my gut. He always seemed to pay attention. And this gives me butterflies, a whole conservatory of it.

And then there were his friends. The other coaches were the decorations to the cake. They make things interesting. Their quirky remarks are always on point. I get confused whether to ride along or give it a concrete meaning. Whatever the case, they know something I don't know for certain. But I'll make a guess.

I always thought we had a connection from the start. It was never awkward between us. And we always had fun. Normally I'd be worried about my fats or my wrong posture in front of an expert, but to him I could just be me. Because of this I feel like he knows every inch of my body, making it comfortable to talk casually. I anticipated for his moves way too early. Perhaps he didn't see this connection right away. We were close and we were flirty but I didn't notice substantial proof until that Saturday we hang out. After that he started texting me out of context. 

I always thought whatever we have only exists inside the gym. This is the part that confused me terribly, whether or not to believe I am "special" or was I just another client. Apparently the former. When he took me to this one Saturday hang out, everyone seemed shocked. He went out of line by tagging me along and allowing me entry without a pass. And then he started doing me favors. He would allow me to enter the backdoor for employees only just so I can conveniently buy coffee without exiting the establishment. No one else, I like to believe, had this privilege before me. 

I've gotten numerous compliments before, and have gotten countless of favors before, but nothing of this intensity. He truly makes me feel safe when he's around, a feeling I only daydreamed about. I like that people suddenly backed off that Saturday hang out when he kept showing up to me. I like that he said I was beautiful twice because apparently once wasn't enough. He asked me if I find a certain girl at the gym beautiful and I said I do. That's when he said I was more beautiful than her. It felt like a compliment he was saving up for days to tell me. And when he said this, he would really look at me. Like honesty really does show up on the eyes.

I once said this, "How do I turn down men? I don't. I simply look them in the eye, and watch their courage fail. Boys are insecure, they will look away".

But he, 

He looked at me.

I was defeated by his gaze when I was the first one to look away. Finally a match worth fighting for, or losing for. Maybe I am ready to open my heart. Maybe I am ready to fall madly in love. Maybe I am also prepared to be scarred for life. 

Maybe I'm just ready.

Maybe he's preparing me.