I heard from the radio once, the commentator said, "Just keep your head above water." And I thought he meant keeping sanity for a whole week at work. It is now at age 25 that I realized what it truly meant.
"Just keep your head above water."
Just keep floating, in other words. No movement is still progress. Staying alive surrounded by a body of water that can kill you, is progress. Keep afloat and you will live. And staying alive is always a choice.
I once entertained the concept of death as my last resort. When all else fails, I can always kill myself. Death can absolve me from my problems. And I think that is my "Above water". Conditioning my mind that there is a way out kept it from going insane. That's how I survived. That's how I can tell you my story.
Going back to the same thought scares me now. What a dark place it could be. My Mom, my Dad, my brothers and even my friends, I wonder how they will react. How unfair it is for me to quit. I won't get to see the beauty of life and experience the joys of friendship, travel, and family reunions. I look forward to a better life and quitting doesn't get me there. I want to watch the sun rise while I rush over to catch a boomerang. I want to feel the clock slow down as I look around the table laughing along a joke someone just told. I want to feel my brother's skin rub along mine as we share that first hug at the airport after not seeing each other for years. I want to share a conversation with my Mom as we finish our second cup of coffee. I want to see the places people keep talking about and finally formulate a story of my own. I want to share what I learned to the people who's willing to listen and witness their eyes glisten as I go over my ridiculous adventure. I want to experience life and quitting makes it unfair.
Death is no longer an option. Death seems more painful to me, to miss out on all of the amazing things I could still do.
That is now my "Above water".
H O P E
That one day I can recover. Everything will work out somehow. Imperfect but still beautiful.
And that to me is still worth staying alive for.
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