I feel misplaced

 I feel misplaced.

This must be how it feels, to feel like trash. Unable to leave earth. Impossible to hide from the many eyes who once benefitted from me.

I feel like an empty bottle, lost in the middle of the ocean. Unable to sink, unable to die. Impossible to get to land. I serve no purpose. I live my life just floating instead. Existing alongside the likes of me. 

Sometimes I feel like everyone's just waiting on me. Waiting for something... from me. Waiting until I graduate. Waiting until I become a lawyer. Waiting until I get a job. Waiting until I fail. Everyone's just waiting for something, from me. 

I wonder if I can just live in this moment. I am confused. Lost. Misplaced. I wish it's ok to not know everything right now. I wish it's ok to tell my Dad I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. And I'd rather stay here right now, dumb, confused, and lost. And refuse to fix things. I want to be ok with not being good enough, or not know enough. Be not smart enough.

I don't know what I want. I am just floating, surviving.  

I want to savor this moment. Like life is at pause. I want to take a moment to breathe and pull myself together. 

But I can't do that because everyone's watching. Everyone is waiting for me to get better, to recover. To keep going. But for the first time in my life, I want to stop. I want to stop learning. I want to stop fixing myself. I want to stop trying. I just want to keep floating, like that empty bottle in the middle of the ocean. 

I wish people can stop telling me it will be okay. Because right now, all I want to do, is be "not" okay.