It's a long ride for sure, but it's a dead end

 It's been a while. I miss sharing my thoughts with you on a regular basis. But life lately, yes, it's been pretty mundane. Except for the fact that I still carry the same problems I had since 3 years ago, life's been good. I mean, I live. I am healthy and I manage. I'm still here, alive and well, after all this time.

Maybe I can do this again, check up on my thoughts once a week. After all, my mind is as loud as it can get. Not like it's anything new.

I don't remember if I have updated this blog regarding the events of my 27th birthday last March 14, 2021. But cut to the chase, here's what happened: I introduced the boyfriend to the Father. Of course I didn't introduce him as my boyfriend per se. We'll get there. But I introduced him nonetheless, as a suitor. And for a few hours I was actually convinced that it was the best decision I've ever made. All of the doubts I had since we started seeing each other vanished into thin air. Or that's what I thought, until, came the next day.

I don't know what I was expecting. I remember I was just really mad at him. I was mad at the fact that he's coming after 1 year of being away, after 1 year of being free from the obligation to return home every weekend, and to succumb to his hurtful words and unreasonable tasks. I was comfortable at the distance Covid-19 created between us. Quite frankly, I was glad. And then I was even more mad because I had to cancel plans for my birthday and spend it without the boyfriend. So I did what every rebel kid do not do, I did the right thing. And yet why is it that doing the right thing never feels right, and it never really fixes things. It just destroys me even more.

I introduced Aaron to him and it was the most awkward trip ever. Probably in my many delusions, I've entertained the idea of "maybe it's going to be okay", or "maybe he will respect my choice", or "maybe he will appreciate the honesty", or "maybe he'll get it". I let myself fantasize about spending Christmas and all other important events with Aaron there and it will be nice to have more than 3 people at the dining table. I expected to be treated as a 27 years old. But I was wrong.

He went on and on again about Aaron being a nobody. And he didn't stop there, he ridiculed his job, and he doubted his credentials. I keep telling him he is single and that he is earning enough and that he has a degree in Nursing, and yet he found it all untrue. He doubted Aaron in every aspect. Telling him he was kind and respectful didn't matter to him. All the while he was degrading him, I was hurting, and disguising that hurt into laughter. What did I expect? Of course he will treat me like a 21 year old. 

I am almost 30 and yet I can't even introduce 1 guy. I didn't even tell him he is my boyfriend yet. He casted him away before Aaron even gets to enter the room. For a while I struggled with this. Do I tell Aaron or forever keep it hidden from him? But until when? The only way he can enter the room is if no one's there to watch the room anymore. But until when? Until when should I wait before I own my life? Until when should I wait until I can make my own mistakes? Until I solve my own problems? Until I get to choose for myself? 

What's bothering me even more is that whenever it gets tough these days, I keep replaying my Father's words. I keep thinking maybe he was right after all. That maybe I should just choose the easier path. Every single day, when I'm alone, my thoughts won't shut up. It keeps repeating those words to me. Over and over. Every single day I can hear my Dad's voice, speaking to me, his every word being carved into my subconscious. And I'm afraid that I'll be carrying this for eternity, because he seems to be immortal.

Another conversation we had, held three weeks later, he talked about remodeling the house and expecting me to live in it. He told me I needed a maid or a nanny to take care of me, to cook for me and all of that. It would be nice yes, but I told him I need no such thing. I was expecting him to be proud of me for having the courage to stand on my own like that. 

Over the years I sought comfort on the fact that maybe when I get a job, or when I'm 25 years old and over, I'll free myself of him. But apparently it's not the case. It's just one cage after another. A slightly bigger one after outgrowing the first one. I think by now I'm on my 5th cage. He keeps adding these features to it so I don't leave.

I guess he never expects me to get out there all along. To experience life as it is. He will always sugarcoat life for me. He will always be pulling me back. He will always be saving me, stopping me, from seeing any of my potential. From seeking opportunities he's uncomfortable with. From seeking a different path taboo to him. From finding myself in places he wouldn't risk to go to. But he actually had the audacity to tell me NO. No because, although a joke, he said I might ask my hypothetical boyfriend to live in with me. So what. Is there something wrong with that? I am 27 years old, soon I'll be 30. What would be so surprising than finding a man and falling in love.

It's funny because when I was 13 I actually thought life was going to get better. But really I'm just up for a show. Released during the day but called upon during the night. Like a performer at a circus. Life is ridiculous like this. I almost feel like life itself is one BIG JOKE. And I keep waiting for freedom that will probably not come anyway. I will always be living half a life, constantly wishing for fragments of time where I can truly truly express myself. I live a life of in between, stolen moments whenever he's not looking. Maybe when I'm 50, I'll graduate. I'm seriously just keeping afloat until then. But I'm okay waiting. What worries me is by that time, my Mom will also be on a tug of war with death. So what's the point?

Really, what's the point? What is all this for? Where am I heading? Maybe all along I wasn't moving, maybe I'm just a passenger and the world is moving for me. You know that feeling when you can never tell if you have a headache and feeling dizzy or there is really an earthquake. Whether you're spinning or the carousel is. I'm a passenger of a train going nowhere. It's a long ride for sure, but it's a dead end. It will stop eventually, yes, but only by that time, it will be too late. Waiting only works when you're 13, not when you're 27. You're not waiting. You're wasting.