I have forgotten what it feels like, to look forward. I always cower to the future. It's this monstrous being that keeps me hiding in my cave, afraid to appreciate the sun. All I could do is survive and I have mastered it.
Sometimes I think I can leave and deal with death, killed in the hands of this monstrous being. Then I get mad. Why should I deprive myself at a chance to meet my other self. We've lived long enough to find our way back to each other. A reunion of my two selves, meeting at the brink of judgment day, in front of this monstrous being that rules my world to this day.
Whatever invisible barrier that prevents us from meeting, I feel like it's getting thicker and thicker. Each day making things feel impossible. I am unable to meet her on the other side, and this world I'm at, is collapsing. I bear the marks of many storms. Terror lives in my eyes. Fear is what drives me to persevere. I don't fear the what lies ahead, I fear of what's behind. I have worked hard to survive this long, I can't go back to day one and do it all over again.
I can celebrate survival but only at a certain extent, in silence. I wish I can throw a party and let the world hear my story. I wish I can kill this monstrous being instead but nature must kill him first. They say waiting is the winner's luck. But time is it's bad luck. I can wait for eternity but eternity cannot wait for me. Either nature kills him first or it kills me first. I really wish the former. But what I wish for the most, is nature kills him sooner.
Dear 2023, hear my thoughts.
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