It's a defense mechanism.

I have an issue with trust.

I don't trust.

I can't trust.

And my defense mechanism is quite visible in what I wear.

In how I act.

In what I portray.

I always fear people's shallow interest over things.

Over me.

I fear being misunderstood.

Judge me all you want but do not misunderstand me.

There's a difference.

I've been uncomfortable with people's stares as long as I can remember. That's why I never liked being tall when I was a kid. I never liked wearing revealing clothes, or dressing up really pretty and all. I'm scared that people will only regard me for my image. I'm scared to be seen as just the pretty girl. And I guess in a way I also fear to be ordinary. I cannot allow myself to be either.

So when people say they like me.

Or "love" me,

I don't believe them.

Not since I finally figured out why relationships always felt unnatural for me.

I suppose in a way, I am what I am so people can ask questions. So people can dig deeper, and try to understand why I do what I do, why I like what I like, why I wear what I wear. And hopefully, maybe, they'd meet the real me. And love me for me. Accept me for me.

It's a challenge.

Yet no one has yet cracked my codes.

Lucky for the determined if they somehow stumble across this.

It's like a giveaway.

Lucky bastard.

But don't get me wrong.

I am not wearing a mask.

This defense mechanism of mine has become a good friend of mine over the years I have grown attached to it.

It's already a part of me.

Like a shield.

An armor.

It's a defense mechanism.

Really, it is.