I never come across many suitors.

Here's the thing. If I was a billionaire, I'd shop everyday, then I won't be needing a man. 

Since I was no billionaire, and I can't shop everyday, I guess I'd be needing a man... eventually.

I'll be honest. I ask myself the same pitiful questions you ask yourself. I feel insecure most of the time. And I also wonder if true love do exists.

I never come across many suitors. In fact, I believe I never had one for years. The last time someone made me feel special was way back in high school, inclusive of the butterflies. 

It's been a long time since I had one of those kilig moments. And so I wonder, what went wrong? Of course I changed, but did I change for the worse? Am I not good enough? Am I not appealing enough? Am I not pretty enough? Decent enough? Why won't a guy ever approach me? 

Guys never do the first move on me. I move on my own. I do everything on my own. Not because I am impatient, but because I can feel their inferiority. They're scared of me, scared to even talk to me, so I talk to them first. And perhaps they see it wrong they misinterpret it into a non ending flirtationship. Men never took me seriously, and they never make all those efforts like a man should. 

I got so tired of wondering what is wrong with me, that I finally told my Mom about it. She said to me, "You really would find it hard to find someone. Men like to be in control. They have the natural instinct to be superior. Perhaps you intimidate them because they admire you like how you would admire your boss. But you wouldn't go flirting with your boss, right? So it's either a foolish one, or someone higher than you." 

I was in disbelief. How am I intimidating? How am I high? The rest, I thought of my own. Maybe what my Mom meant by being higher isn't by rank or by social standing. Maybe my taste is far above normal. My hobbies, my preferences, my lifestyle is all above normality. I don't entertain nonsense conversation, and I don't waste time on people that won't contribute any positivity. I don't watch cheesy romantic films, or enjoys going to arcades like that. I don't like crowded places or too much noise. I like exquisity. I like going to high end places, and feeling like the inferior one. I love the elegant, the regal, the grandeur. 

Nothing's wrong with me, I'm just looking at it all wrong. I was pursuing the wrong kinds of people. Now I know I wouldn't find what I was looking for there. I keep looking back to men that could be following me, when I should be facing the back of the man I should be following. 

If I appear too strong to some men, I just need to find someone stronger than me.

And I did change for the better, some others just remained null. The more I climb the ladder, the more people walk behind me. Just like what my Mom said, "It will be more difficult."