I don't deserve it

When I buy things I always felt like I deserve them. That I am so almighty I deserve the best of the best, the purest, the most grandeur, the blings, and the glamour. I think so highly of myself because that's how I was raised. I made up this curriculum in my head that when I can't have it, it belongs to the mediocre. And I've argued against that. I've entertained change so badly because I refuse to be ordinary. That's how I've always handled things. That's how I survived. But now I think I lost exactly that pride. And for the past month I've wondered why I let things unfold before me so easily. I've often wondered this, and when I do, I often withdraw my sword. I run away. I gather the pieces left behind and I rebuild it somewhere else. Often, I'm successful. But I find it's never the same quality. Never the same built. I face the world again but this time wrapped with doubts, with low self-esteem, and so much insecurities. Now all I can think of when I buy the latest designer shoes is that 

I 

don't 

deserve 

it.