This is my cry for help

Ayoko na.

My brain's been bouncing those words back and forth for a week now. It's not like I can say it out loud. 

I'm starting to forget why I was here in the first place. I'm starting to let go, because all of a sudden the reasons I had coming here didn't matter anymore. 

I'm just tired. 

And I can't find the right motivation to continue.

I wish I can run away, without endlessly explaining what went wrong, without constantly having to defend myself. Perhaps I never should have gotten here. That way, maybe I can take advantage of the leftover hope from once upon a time wanting so desperately to become a Lawyer. But now I'm here and I am so broken. 

The more I pursue my dreams, the more I realize it wasn't my dream. It was just an illusion I made up for myself. And I've always asked myself this: Am I really living my life, or am I just writing it? 

Have I always been a third party to my life? Am I just shaping my life to a happy ending? 

And for what?

To amuse my readers?

That's just it, isn't it?

All I did,

Each path I take,

Are all patterned on a bestseller.

The more I pursue this supposed dream, the more I cling to creativity. And the more I cling to creativity, the more distant my heart becomes. And the more distant it becomes, the more unhappy I become. 

I've never had the courage to answer Yes when people ask me if I'm happy. Such a simple question but I get the most difficult to answer.

What do I want really?

I knew deep in my heart I may be too artistic to sit on a desk all day. But I've ignored the thought because I've encouraged myself I am meant to live in a corporate world to one day be rich and successful. 

I've never entertained the idea of pursuing a creative lifestyle. Now when I think about it, it doesn't sound so bad really. 

Except I am scared. 

To get there, I will disappoint a lot of people. My Dad, my Mom, my Friends, my Relatives, and even myself. There is too much embarrassment, and that feeling of entrapment consumes me a lot these days. I feel suffocated. Like I can't breathe and all I want to do is cry. 

But that too is embarrassing.

I don't know what to do and right now I just want to run away. 

To disappear. 

To start over.

To die.