In a matter of time, I might just disappear

I used to be the first to dismiss rebelling. When I broadcast my entire story to a friend, which rarely happens by the way, they always appear proud that I didn't rebel or some sort. Rebellion never really crossed my mind while I was growing up, until I started to tell my story out loud. I wasn't aware that those people I see in movies, kids of broken families, is me.

But then recently, I moved to my Dad's place. That's when I realized why I thought it wasn't a big deal after all. Why rebellion didn't cross my mind, not once.

Because... I didn't live it.

I grew up with my Mom. She had shielded me ever since. I never once faced the reality of the situation. But now it is being thrown to my face. I had to live it every single day. And it consumes me. It drains me. And finally, I understood the concept of rebellion.

It sounds like the light at the end of the tunnel.
It feels like an escape.

You ask why I don't entertain relationships?
Because I had to introduce you to my Dad.
Isn't that the rule of the game? Wait. I'm sorry. It's not supposed to be a game.
So okay, let's date first.
Tell me how.
How do you take me out on a dinner?
On a date?
What would I tell my Dad?
Oh I have to be home by 10 by the way.
I can't just go out, you know.
Because I'm like 22 years old.
So goodluck.

I'm too lazy to deal with the complications of a relationship.
Not the occasional arguments.
Or the clinginess.
Or the expectations.
I'm too lazy to explain to my Dad why you exist in my life.
Not because I can't defend you.
But because I hate talking to my Dad.
Seeing him cringes me.

Everytime I see photos of my friends on social media traveling somewhere awesome with their squad,
Or see them have fun,
Or enjoy life,
Or live their lives,
I feel envious.
How are they so free?

When mere asking for permission to go the mall give me jitters.
When explaining why I dyed my hair a different color give me jitters.
When having to wear a rather unusual outfit give me jitters.
Or eating a lot, because I can't get fat.
Or oversleeping,
Or how I should breathe, and walk, and talk, and think.

I've never felt so petty in my entire life.
I despise it.

in a matter of time, I might just disappear.
However you interpret it.