Limited

I am terribly missing my Mom. Maybe because it's Christmas time and I feel completely alone. My Mom is gone, so is my Grandmother. I don't know what to expect and thinking about it just makes me want to get it over with. I want to skip it. What's the whole point? I'd just be here, same as weekend. I'd lock myself in my room, give fake smiles around the people in this house, and have this orchestrated dinner with my Dad and his entourage. But the worse part is, I can't even dance around like a lunatic. What I mean by that is, we all know what's up. To be a part of this Christmas I needed to lie. Be someone else, over and over again. Like I don't belong in this household. And the one person who's supposed to make me feel welcome feel like a complete stranger. I can't even stand being in the same room with him for more than 5 minutes. Every meal is just awkward. Everytime I accompany him outside, he'd make me feel stupid just because I don't know where to U-turn or the right entrance of the establishment. I hate driving for him, that's why I'd rather not go out. I want to watch a movie, but my friends are all busy, far away, and just way to busy. I don't want to watch it with my Dad, so in the end, I'll probably watch it alone. I do a lot of things alone apparently, not because it's a choice. But because there is literally nobody. 

This bedroom of mine, I know it's supposed to be home. And I should be comfortable. But everytime I am here I am just anxious and nervous. I don't even know why. I feel locked up. I feel like I am here just because I have no choice. And time just runs so fast around here. 

I look out the window and I see trees but I hear laughter in my ear, from people who are million miles away, one even on a different dimension now. And I just feel really really sad. I suddenly miss everything. Our old house. Quiet. But feels like home, like I could be myself, that my Dad wouldn't be around the corner to judge and humiliate me, or send me to this errand when I'm just too lazy. I just want to be that kid again. I want to share breakfast with my Mom that is well prepared and enjoy it until 11am. And talk about random things. Seriously, when was the last time I had a real conversation. 

I just want to run to my Mom, you know. Because sometimes no matter how much you want to be strong, you just want to crumble. Well, I can't crumble with my Dad, he'd tell me I'm weak. He'd judge me. And hurt me. I can't crumble to my friends too because they'd think I'd be too weird. Not even my closest friends would understand. They would tell me they'd understand, but they don't. I don't want to hear them say they do. I just want them to be there, to distract me to my thoughts, and take me to an adventure that will replace the sadness. 

I can't even talk to myself anymore, usually when all else fails, I do. But even my own thoughts are limited now. Limited by time. Limited by my room mate. Limited. Limited. Limited.

I hate it.

And I'm about to explode.

Because I don't know the next step.

Usually I do, and I focus all my energy going there.

But right now I don't know anymore.

Let bygones be bygones.

I'm a disaster waiting to happen.

All the things I've done in the past year, would definitely blow up in front of me. I'd be expecting, watching, seeing. But that's it, I'll just watch myself burn, and hopefully get numb on the process.