#nowwatching: Doctor Strange (Reflection)

I was never a fan of Marvel. I didn't really understand the hype surrounding superman, or batman, or thor. I never had a favorite superhero. To me, it all seemed overhyped and superfluous.

I was envious of my friends. While they crave for the new trailer that lasts 10 seconds, I was there pretending I cared. I nodded along every conversation, attended every batman themed party, and joined along the excitement of it all.

I didn't understand why I didn't understand. Frustrated of it all, I remember blaming my Mom at one point. I asked her why I don't recall the batman story or the superman story. I thought I must have watched it when I was little, right? But then again, I can't even recite the plot, nor do I know where to start. I was a stranger to the world of Marvel.

My Mom gave me this answer: I don't know. Superheroes don't interest me anyway. Maybe that's why.

And so, I grew up carrying that bag of ignorance. (PS. It wasn't heavy.)

But I saw Doctor Strange just now.

Many times I felt left out,

An outsider to this world of men wearing tights and saving the day.

As an adult, equipped with my own choice, I decided to give Marvel a chance.

(Sorry. Perhaps my brain was synchronized with my Mom's influence on films and tv.)

And although they were good,

I find they weren't that great.

But I saw Doctor Strange just now.

And let me just say this.

All the variables were there. Okay, maybe just one: Benedict Cumberbatch, and yet, I decided to flip the page over and over again. I neglected to see the film numerous time. If the 19 year old me was still existent, she probably would have argued. She would have watched it right away, if not on the first day.

I remember distinctly when Doctor Strange first came out, or should I say, the first time I had the chance to see it but I chose otherwise. What I ended up seeing instead was a complete bullshit. A total waste of my money and time. In fact, if the 19 year old me is still existent, she probably would have argued.

But the 22 year old me, didn't bother. I didn't like any of the things I've been doing lately but I keep doing it anyway. While I was trap in that moment, I didn't seem to mind. I was high on the pleasure of "showing off", and that I was changing (a term I clung myself with religiously), that I was turning away from the emo girl and giving away more mystery.

I am obsessed with confusing people that I got confused just the same. I am many things, but what I surely am is self-identified. I knew myself. I know exactly my course of thought. I've memorized every pattern from every turn. I knew it so much that I could manipulate it sometimes. I mean, I've jumped over many bridges without the risks. I skipped over processes of pain, healing, and experience. I disregarded them because regardless I know I'd reach my destination. I predicted my future because I trusted my own thoughts.

(I realized I was slightly skewing away from my main point.)

Doctor Strange was amazing. If I would rate it, I'd give it a 10 of 10. But I'm not going to be talking about the cinematography, the acting, or the story line. I'm going to talk about how it made me feel.

And it made me feel a stranger. Being a stranger to many other people may be bad, but being a stranger to yourself is the worse thing.

I was always proud. That I could survive, I believed. Once again, I relied on my thoughts to solve every bit of problem I encounter. But I looked around and I saw what I was proud of: proving to myself that I could be proud of things I know I can't be proud of. That, I'm proud of. Going against the flow. Contradicting myself. That I was proving strength, away from my own thoughts. That yes, I could be smarter. Smarter than my brain, exactly. Rebellion. Like a student to his master.

Doctor Strange represented exactly who I was, just a year ago. Bookish. Nerdy. Innocent. Magick. Alive.

Remember that time I preached "Heal the world"?

The volunteering on orphanages?

The bag of donations every Christmas?

The time I was actually certain I'd adopt children?

And actually made the world a better place?

Where did she go?

It's been a while since a movie actually succeeded into "moving" me. Mostly were just mocking me. I remember. I remember what I forgot. That "moveness" after seeing a great film, or after finishing off a great book series. That feeling of escapism. That feeling of being alive. That feeling of triumph. That life actually made sense. That life is so much more than a sickening routine.

I am not religious. I don't enjoy practicing Christianity, although I enjoy practicing Christian traditions like Christmas and Easter. What intrigues me more is magick (spelled with "c" yes). I believe in balance. In the nature of things. I believe in energy. Meditation. That the mind is such a powerful being (not a thing, a "being"). Because it is alive, and not a mere organ.

So where do I stand now? Should I go back to the "old" me (I talk about it a lot anyway. Does it mean I am prepared to rekindle?) Or should I just stick with the me "now"?

Everybody seems to like this one anyway, except me.