She fades, I fade

You know what I recently just realized...
I am living in a constantly spinning world,
And I'm being left behind.

Ever since I became more vocal with my writing,
And I have introduced Lilah Gran to my friends,
I have been shying away from the very reason why I created her in the first place.
Anonymity.
The power to shout my heart's desire,
Without regards to the judgment,
The labels,
Expectations,
And misconceptions.

I would write fantasy stories,
Dragons and Elves,
And love stories that didn't make sense.

But now all I could think of is,
Am I being too weird?
Is my story a bit too creepy?

I created Lilah Gran not to deceive the world,
But to disregard any concept of that "world"

Now I find myself doubtful,
Getting all lazy to write,
Because I think my "feelings", the drive that has brought me here, is not good enough to sustain interest
And I find myself blank for most of the time.
I feel obliged to write about my emotions,
So I seek more and more of these,
Until it becomes such a big mess in my head
And I wouldn't know where to start

I began reconsidering my thoughts
I was being careful not to hurt anybody
Because I know people will be reading
People I know
People I'm friends with

I'm suddenly poised,
Regal,
And just.
I'm suddenly good,
Clean,
And might.

So tell me, is she any different from me?
Is Lilah Gran any different from Lizette?

I've once referred to my thoughts as "unfiltered"
I've created this blog around the idea of boldness
To embody my fears and darkest secrets,
To compile it all in one place,
And maybe someday burn it all together

Yet I've taught Lilah Gran to adapt to this changing world,
Dragging her feet to "fit in",
To "get out there",
To "yolo"

She learned but she's struggling
She trying but she's tired
She's exhausted because I didn't create her to adjust,
Or to adapt.
Or to belong,

Instead, I created her shapeless,
Boundless,
Limitless.
She wasn't supposed to take form in this "world"

But now she's starting to get scared,
She's beginning to wither,
To fade,
In the changing times.

That's when I realized,

I'm not just her creator, and she my creation.

She is a part of me.

She is me.

So as to fade,

She fades,

I fade.