Maybe I adopted him

Sometimes I envy other kids. I look at my Dad and wonder how in the world I am related to him. He doesn't get me at all. I thought parents are supposed to share a connection with their kids? My Dad's just ignorant. Maybe I adopted him. 

I wish I didn't look like him. That way I can convince myself that he wasn't my Father. Then maybe I wouldn't be this pressured to fit in to his kaleidoscope, to his knock off version of "life". 

He always made me feel out of place. Like I didn't belong. That all I ever believed in is quite the opposite of what he believed in. I'm so tired of pretending what I want and who I am and I've lost track of where it all started. 

I don't see where I stand ground anymore. It feels like I'm just too tired to stop growing. So I play along with it. I play along with law school and luxury that will one day both backfire its way to me. 

And I'm scared. I'm too scared.

But he wouldn't get it. So my anxiety and fear would remodel to ignorance. 

They say "sleep on it" and you'll feel better tomorrow. I've put my life on repeat based on that advice. But trust me, it doesn't get any better. Time just traps you in. It creates a loop and constantly you are driven back. 

My Dad asked me for my plans on my birthday. I couldn't think upon it because reality's just in the way. But he was persistent so I said, "Maybe we can watch a musicale instead." Hesitantly he said "okay" but in his side comment he said, "How much is the ticket? Wouldn't it be too expensive? Don't tell me it might cost Ten thousand? (For just a ticket?)"

I almost wanted to say then "Yes, actually. It costs that much for a musicale. But that's what I want, don't you get it? That's what I'm into. That's what I like. That's what I want to do. That's who I am and it's not like you can't afford it."

I don't understand why he can't make me feel special. I don't understand why he can't make me happy.  I don't understand why his version of love is so cheap. I don't understand why I don't see his sincerity.   I don't understand why he didn't understand me. He never understood my heart, my desires, and my thoughts. All he ever did was judge me. I don't understand why he simply didn't try.

All he ever did was either a result of a responsibility, an obligation, or a pursuit of a good reputation. I never once felt for whatever he gave me that he loved me unconditionally. That he did it simply because he loved me, not because it's a natural law for a Father to provide for his goddamn daughter. I always feel like everything he ever gave me came with a jail pass. That he sowed to reap. 

I feel so used even before I even let anybody in.

I feel so betrayed even before I learn how to trust.

I feel so alone even before I meet new people.

I feel so damaged even before I was completed.

This is the only part my Mom didn't understand. She was the most understanding person I know but for the longest time she thought the issues I have with my Dad are all make belief. 

It's not.

It's all real.

And it's so heavy.

So 

So

heavy.