Last night I had the most bizarre state of mind, or heart,
whichever is weaker. I couldn’t find a word to describe how I felt. I genuinely
wanted to stay. Over the weeks, whenever I spend time with him, I am always
happy. That part was easy to comprehend. But last night I find myself not
wanting to let go. I wanted time to stop right then and there and it was so
foreign to me to be so attached to somebody that my body didn’t know how to
respond. I was quivering with anger and frustration but at the same time I just
wanted to cry. My mind is rebelling on the idea that I have fallen in love for
real. I have never been this attached to anyone. I am not used to it. I don’t
know how to handle the situation. My defense mechanism rolled in as I formulate
a strategy to detach myself. I can’t fall this deep. I can’t let myself turn
completely blind over this infatuation. It would be impractical to see each
other everyday, and I would die waiting for each day. I wouldn’t survive the
agony of waiting. I need to learn to let go. I need to find that balance. I
must learn to withdraw my full attention. I can’t always be this helpless
everytime we end a date. I have to recalculate my priority. I need to be in
charge again.
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