I react on pain by brewing more pain

The heart is perhaps the most selfish non human creation ever. Whereas the brain can be liberating, the heart can not. I am unfamiliar with this feeling - this feeling of frustration. 

I don't why but I feel jealous, of the people who gets to spend time with him when I cannot. I am in a relationship with this man, yet somehow I want him to see that I am having fun without him too. I feel revengeful, on nights when he goes out like this. I almost pity myself by waiting on him all night. I react on pain by brewing more pain. I react like a child does. And I am mad at my heart for this.

I understand this part. In fact, I encourage it. We can't always stay together, no matter our efforts. One of these days, we'll have to face not seeing each other for days on end. And that's okay. That's how it works. Yet somehow, when I agreed to let him stay out all night, I was hurt. I felt left out. I felt an uneasy feeling down my stomach, like homesickness. 

My thoughts get blurry and I can't find my concentration to do anything else. Instead, I'm stuck at the idea of him returning to me. This cannot pursue. I cannot handle this. I am weak like this and it maddens me more. 

I really hate spending a lot of time with him. I wouldn't know how to handle myself without him. It's not that I don't like clinginess and sweetness. I just don't practice it. I get attached way too easily and I can't get out of it until I find another distraction. And that is forbidden.