I am once again re-evaluating shit.
Last night was a challenge. I introduced my hyperactive mind to him expecting to see a supportive reaction, but instead I got a cold stare. A part of me wanted to believe he was about to drop a bomb, but he remained silent about it. I was open about my stories and even permitted him to read one, but he avoided it. If there is one thing I'm proud of, is my brain. But I realized it wasn't what attracted me to him. If such a case, what did? What exactly attracted me to him? What exactly did he saw? Because I don't remember showing the entirety of me. I adjusted for his liking. I made him like me. I molded the person he was attracted to.
Today I looked around my room and saw my bougie-ness come back to my senses. I started to envision the future and fear took over me. One of these days, I will discard all of these fancy clothes because I won't be able to find an occasion to wear it. I will start to feel lonely, and then I will start blaming him. I will blame choosing him. I will blame loving him. I will blame the life I chose because of him.
Today he asked if I knew what he wanted when we entered into a relationship. I said I did. Because I actually do. But it appears that my interpretation lacked a thousand steps closer to his. I knew he was way older than me. And he was at the age of planning ahead, planning for the future, planning for the family, and planning for marriage. When he said he was going to wait, I didn't allow pressure to cloud my judgment. I followed everyone's advice when they said "take chances". They said to me, just accept love and see where it goes. That's exactly what I did. I gave him a chance, and it skyrocketed.
I suddenly feel obliged to graduate on time, to save up instead of splurging, and to love him forever. All the details I've ignored in the early stages of getting to know each other is piling up to me right now. I shouldn't have listened. I will hurt him and I will hurt myself. Right now, I think I'm having cold feet. I'm not ready to introduce him to my world. I don't even think he could adjust to my world. And I'm scared that one day, I might just realize I don't like him anymore. But when that day comes, I might be a coward to let him go. I would pity him because I wasted his time. At his age, it gets harder to start all over again. I'm scared to drag this on because I don't think it will last.
I like him yes. I like him enough to say I love him. But I can't see the future with him because I refuse to see the future period.
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