I have become the kind of girl I've always hated.

I have skipped over writing down my thoughts because I was too flushed to bother with time. I got too preoccupied and I found myself oftentimes tired from keeping up with my new routine.

The last semester was easy. I had a few subjects and less demanding professors. I had more free time than study time. I was able to get out of my way and reach him. I spent most of my days waiting on him. And although at the back of my head I was worried I'd get attached, after all it was only the honeymoon stage of the relationship, I still continued to stick to the plan. 

I wanted to impress him. I wanted him to be proud of what I can achieve. Sometimes, I look at him and I see the unreachable picture he paints of me. And I wanted that picture too. But getting there, I realized, may be a little difficult than I thought. 

This semester started sort of roughly. It started to feel uncomfortable and unfortunately for me, I've invested too much to ignore the urge to cling around him at all times. Because I was trying to keep up with him, I needed to sprint. Luckily for me, I had the time then. So I abused it entirely. In my mind I was preparing for exactly this very moment. Little by little I find myself more consumed with study time than free time. I guess simultaneously and unknowingly I also prepared for this frustration. 

I can't find time to reach him anymore, and it hurts. And I can't stop thinking about the events I'll miss out in his life, and it hurts. I am consumed by the thought of losing him. And I don't mean losing him physically, instead losing the "connection" I built up overtime. We did things together, all the time. And although consciously it was unhealthy, I can't help but believe that I don't need anybody else but him. But now I feel him slipping away and hanging on at the same time. And I don't know what to do but watch him do both. 

Simply saying, I am sad that he's having fun without me, when my source of happiness these past couple months was solely him. I find it slightly unfair because I can't find that same happiness with anyone or anything else in my life right now. I can't bear it when he's finally planning on things without me, like he's beginning to walk away from the honeymoon stage and I'm just going to get stuck here, awaiting his every return.

I have lost it. I have become the kind of girl I've always hated.