What I learned today

I had my elementary class at love coming different teachers. Everyone appears to be an expert at something so I thought combining all their insights would grant me immunity. I preached what I knew and I encouraged followers.

But what I learned today proves me a novice. 

You see, I intensely believed that loving too much is being stupid enough. I stood at the side of "reality". I walked away from any familiar tale of fairies. I rebelled against giving myself away for the sake of love. 

When I entered this relationship, I entered blindly. All these years I wondered why I couldn't get a man to open the door for me. My teachers told me different things. Their explanations were branches of a tree unfortunately no one has seen or heard of. I spent my entire life pondering upon this until I rebelled. 

I didn't listen. 

To anything.

To anyone.

For the first time in my life, I abandoned my thoughts and I followed my gut. I skipped school that day and yet I feel like I have reached Nirvana. I have attained more education in a couple months than I did all my life. 

That love has many faces and what I have been giving is a selfish love. And I wasn't even aware I was doing it. I love him on sunny days but when the storm strikes I panic and I blame him for not bringing a fucking umbrella. I understood what I needed to do, according to the books, yet I can't bring myself to do just that. The lessons my teachers taught me were all guidelines. Applying them isn't automatic. It's not a formula, instead a bunch of context clues. And I still got to do all the hard work. I still got to think myself. You see, I learned this. Love advices are just that, advices. It doesn't mean you heard it from some wise fellow, that you could apply it instantly. At the end of the day, it is always a damn choice. And choices are quite difficult to make. 

I couldn't control my emotions no matter how inappropriate they are. I knew what to do and yet I can't bear to do it. 

This went on for weeks. Until today, what I have learned will stay with me forever. I learned how to give "unselfish" love. That love a mother gives to her child. Unconditional. 

While I was preoccupied with my issues, I didn't see the efforts he has been making until he quite frankly enumerated them to me. I could almost go down to my knees. While I was preoccupied with my  own version of love, I didn't see that the love he was giving me was supplying my own inadequacy. 

I failed him and what's even worse is I failed myself. When I promised to give this relationship a chance I didn't see ahead. I lied when I said I love him. I didn't. All I did was love him selfishly. 

But today I learned, how to love him right. And from now on, I will no longer make excuses. 

I will love him right.