I can't right now. Not yet.

The past few days I’ve been lost. I feel so detached from the girl I am. But I think the first question is: Who is that girl? The girl who was obsessed with the concept of rebellion? Or maybe the girl who was desperate to redeem herself from the rebellious image she initially built? Or maybe the girl who was desperate to redeem herself from the girl who redeemed the rebellious image she built?

Who knows. All the versions I created of me comes back to haunt me all at the same time. Now I don’t know which one I really one. Maybe I’m just the fictional character I created of myself. Maybe I’m just my own creation. Maybe I’m just a creation. Maybe I’m just fiction. Maybe I’m not supposed to exist in the real world. Maybe I’m just meant to stay in between pages that no one bothers to read.

I am so determined to believe that I am made for a grand purpose. It became my life’s goal to figure it out. But the more I try, the more my goal seemed unreachable. I get lost along the web of lies. I get tangled along the stories I created around myself. I get caught up with all the things I did and the things I didn’t do and they come before me in a series of flashbacks all at once and I fall to the ground, unable to move.

But life has this habit of moving on. The more I try to take a pause, the more it fast forwards before me. I need to catch up once again and in the process, I spin out of control. I don’t get time to regroup my thoughts, or to figure out my next step. Life knocks on my door unannounced with the biggest surprise like my Mom leaving the country, or I’m soon to have a brother from another Father, or I have to live with my Dad forever, or that I have so much money to spare but no family to spend it with.

Along the way, I saw the perfect distraction. I saw the missing piece in my perfect story. I found someone to play my Prince Charming. All is well with the lights and casting and the production I prepared for us. This is my stage. I am the lead star and everything is in place. Until the lights dim and I open a show and nobody shows up. I am bankrupt. I am heading to jail and nobody’s going to save me. To everyone it was all a show. A temporary entertainment. In the end, nothing is permanent, nothing is real.

When I first met him it was magical. Every event leading up to us was laid down perfectly like a fairytale. But it’s far from that now. It’s a nightmare. Everyday I live my life with the constant battle in my head. I keep screaming a silent cry but unfortunately I can’t hear myself. Everything about this relationship is wrong and I see that know. But I’m just too invested now that leaving means counting my every loss, in every cent. I’m just not ready to confront that. I’m not ready to pay my dues. I’m not prepared to get back up because I refuse to go down. I don’t want to face recovery because I don’t want to be put in the position that the only way to live is to recover. I have to accept failure. And not only that, but I have to face it too. I have to face every grueling process of humiliation, regret and failure right before my eyes. And no one can be ready for that. I certainly am not.

There was a point in between the tug of war inside my head that the only things stopping me from closing the doors is the love I feel for him. I cared too much that leaving him would hurt me too and thinking about it is already painful. But now, as I’ve accumulated more scars in this relationship, I don’t care about that anymore. In fact, I wish I could just get it over and done with. I wish I can let go of him and skip the part where I recover. Not emotionally, but physically. The life and version of myself I built around him is what I mean. The girl who lives in this apartment technically alone for the most part is what I mean. Or the Law Student who definitely wouldn’t graduate next year. The poor girl I am today. Every angle of my life now, I will have to face alone. And the impact will be insane. I no longer have a shield that is him that I can hide myself behind and pretend everything’s okay at least for the next day.

I will take the direct hit and boy will it hurt. I’m scared that I will choose death instead. I am not ready for that either.

I have no idea where to go from here but I know the realization that I want, the enlightenment that I very much sought, is looking over from the other side. I need to cross, I know. But I’m still to scared. Too scared to fall and refuse to get back up.

Bear with me. I can’t right now. Not yet.