Everything is a peripheral vision

I think life is all about wishing for another life. When I was in Bacoor, alone in the room I used to share with my Mom, all I wish for is to rewind time. My mind often wandered. Every part of the house is a reminder of the good times. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt genuinely calm. I could be in a vacation abroad or had a really good nap but deep down inside, I have all these voices. They howl at me in a bittersweet attempt. And every growl is a vibration hitting my soul.And then I was in Paranaque, alone in the biggest room I had in my life. I look around and everything shines. The many times I refuse to eat to save up for some books is nothing but a distant mockery of the bookshelf that hangs above my new room. I drowned my sorrows in the pile of clothes I just bought the week before. I remember I used to wish to rewind time. I wanted to go back home, in a different version of sadness. And then there I was still in Paranaque, but in a different house. We rented one while my Condo unit is pending. I remember the sadness, dark and fragile, as I stay awake in the attic room wondering how I ended up right there. But I was fine, I saw my Mom again. In a bizzare twist of fate, I really did fly to Las Vegas. But every good thing comes to an end. I returned even sadder than before. And then in a circle of life, or a joke, I return to Bacoor, in a new cast, in a new production. Once again, I find myself in this loop of sadness, unable to retain glimpses of joy. 

I sit here writing this, in a foreign place, devoid of anything familiar to my childhood, in a version that I like least about myself. Everything is a peripheral vision. I don't know if the view is distorted so I cannot see or I don't like what I see so I refuse to look. Either way if I learned something in my adulthood, is that it is usually spent in a perpetual state of sadness.