Another week has gone by. No matter how slow life seems to get, it just passes by really fast. Soon, all of my problems will catch up on me. And I'm not ready to have a mental breakdown.
I'm afraid that I won't get to handle it this time. What will happen to me? Where will my thoughts take me this year around? How many of these posts will I get to write?
Few more weeks. Scratch days. Few more days. It is coming. Soon we will be friends again. You and me, against the world's expectations.
The last week went by so fast, I can't even remember one significant event. Except maybe I found myself listening to a lot of BTS. Not good. One I'm in, I can never get out. And the last thing I need right now is living in another make up world. And by that I mean- false world, fan world, internet world. I'd just end up continuously escaping my own world. It never gets better.
How often will I find myself stuck in this loop. I am unable to get a grip. And I exist only to go with the flow. I don't know anymore if my brain's just faulty from the start or maybe the world just hates me. I may be exaggerating that, but it definitely feels like I'm stuck on the ground and I can't get up because the world's foot is on me, pressing me down. Each day, week, month, year, the pressure builds up and the weight of the world is getting heavier and heavier. One day, I might end up under ground.
My goodness I don't want that. But what do I do now? Do I enter the realm of pain and risk never getting out, or do I escape it by not entering at all. Which is worse?
Will it get better from here? Or will it get even worse before it starts getting better? How much more can my body take? How much more can my thoughts take? What if I come out of here alive, but a monster? Would it be better if I don't come out of here at all? Am I willing and could I be willing to face myself in the mirror and see the monster I have become? Maybe my reflection will be the one to kill me. Or maybe I will kill my reflection. Either way, there is only one way to find out.
I may be alive, but I'm dying inside.
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