This is it. This will test everything I've told myself last summer. I need all the discipline in the world to study and prepare properly for the Midterms. We can do this!
Last week, I did manage to pull myself up from slumber. I DID not skip any classes and I feel like my life is rolling again. I've never been this calm before, but that only means craziness is about to happen. Hello, midterms.
I'll catch up with you next week. Either I come back here hopeless, or hopeful.
Well, here we go. I can feel the laziness peaking through. I seriously need to find a way to pick myself back up, otherwise this will add to the list of things I will definitely regret.
This week has been the laziest. It's crazy because I thought last week was already the worst. I skipped about 2 subjects this week and it didn't feel good. I try to move on from bad decisions like that, if they were even that bad in the first place. So here we are at the beginning of a fresh new week, hopeful this one is different from the last two.
Also, something happened yesterday. Between you and me, I try not to think about it too much because I fear that if I try to position myself in the situation, I'll end up choosing the "wrong" side. Basically, my Dad called yesterday morning. He told me he was getting tested. He didn't sound bad though. Then a few hours later, Kuya Ping called and he told me he was tested positive for Covid-19. Hmm...
The last time I talked to him, which was last night, he seemed okay. So I suppose, there's nothing to worry about, right? I'll stop here.
I don't know. For this week, I think I prefer to have a conversation instead of a Q & A.
This week was a challenge. Remember that post where I addressed my future self, knowing well enough that in the middle of this semester I will definitely fuck it up? Well, this week was a start. First of all, the entire week comprised of parties and whenever I break momentum like that, I find it hard to go back. And then my new tenant moved in and that means, new requests and demands. More of "requiring my attention." I can't possibly find the skill to do both. I always end up worrying about the other. I believe this exact thing will be my downfall. How can I survive in the real world like this? I worry even more.
But hopefully this week, the clouds part. Except for the fact that He might come back to the city and here we go again. I'm so scared to be distracted. I don't want to worry but how exactly do you tell yourself not to do that? If practice and experience helps, then I've had a decade of exposure already and yet I'm so far from being an expert.
I also can't believe I'm admitting this, but I'm struggling financially. Not in a way where I'm absolutely left with nothing. I'm just sad because I couldn't find spare money to spend in something I like. I always end up paying for bills and emergency repairs. Lately, I've chosen to buy review books too. I mean, it's just sad. I envy my 22 year old self, so much. But like what my Mom told me, that's how it is actually, this "adulting" that everybody dreads. I just wish, yet again, I could do both. Handle my responsibilities and also enjoy a little bit by buying what I like once in a while.
All that is good these days is BTS giving me so much joy.
I'm supposed to write this the beginning of the week, to wrap up the previous week's internal struggles. But I guess I'm still learning to incorporate it to my routine.
Anyway, here we are, 4 days late. I can't believe this week is almost about to end too. I'll soon write another of these. Last week can't be worse than this week. I definitely went on a downward slope.
My problem is still a problem. I'll let you know once the war has begun. It will be the worst yet. I don't know how I could handle it, but one way or another, I will survive it. Just you wait.
If I could get a highlight of the week, it's probably something I said to my bestfriend. I'll share it here so I won't forget:
I know I want to be a Lawyer, I just can't remember why.
Anyway before I forget, Aaron and I binge-watched Rurouni Kenshin, all four movies on Netflix. It definitely hits.
Another week has gone by. No matter how slow life seems to get, it just passes by really fast. Soon, all of my problems will catch up on me. And I'm not ready to have a mental breakdown.
I'm afraid that I won't get to handle it this time. What will happen to me? Where will my thoughts take me this year around? How many of these posts will I get to write?
Few more weeks. Scratch days. Few more days. It is coming. Soon we will be friends again. You and me, against the world's expectations.
The last week went by so fast, I can't even remember one significant event. Except maybe I found myself listening to a lot of BTS. Not good. One I'm in, I can never get out. And the last thing I need right now is living in another make up world. And by that I mean- false world, fan world, internet world. I'd just end up continuously escaping my own world. It never gets better.
How often will I find myself stuck in this loop. I am unable to get a grip. And I exist only to go with the flow. I don't know anymore if my brain's just faulty from the start or maybe the world just hates me. I may be exaggerating that, but it definitely feels like I'm stuck on the ground and I can't get up because the world's foot is on me, pressing me down. Each day, week, month, year, the pressure builds up and the weight of the world is getting heavier and heavier. One day, I might end up under ground.
My goodness I don't want that. But what do I do now? Do I enter the realm of pain and risk never getting out, or do I escape it by not entering at all. Which is worse?
Will it get better from here? Or will it get even worse before it starts getting better? How much more can my body take? How much more can my thoughts take? What if I come out of here alive, but a monster? Would it be better if I don't come out of here at all? Am I willing and could I be willing to face myself in the mirror and see the monster I have become? Maybe my reflection will be the one to kill me. Or maybe I will kill my reflection. Either way, there is only one way to find out.
I may be alive, but I'm dying inside.
So, I have a certain fascination with Italian words lately. Hence, "Settimanale", which means "week" or "weekly". I'll try to this weekly, like a round up or a check up on my thoughts. If I am able to keep up, I'd be able to recap every week, because sometimes it's hard to keep up with my thoughts. Sometimes, they come and disappear right away, other times they stay longer. In the latter, I often find myself too wounded to even bother organizing my thoughts and writing them down.
Hopefully, I'd stick to this one. Hopefully, requiring myself to check in week to week would give me a sense of "obligation",
Anyway so here it goes. Questa Settimanale, I find myself anticipating self-destruction. Oh yes, it's coming. And everyday it steals spaces in between tasks where it settles there- my impending doom. Sometimes all I could do was sulk. Most times, I'd rather laugh.
I'm still waiting for the day he vanishes into thin air, like vapor. When will it be? All I can do is close my eyes, whisper a prayer, and imagine the many things I would do once it comes. Oh the many million things. It will be my liberation. Give or take 2 months of recovery (physically not emotionally), and I'm good to go, ready to face my life, finally. Until then I'm just floating by, either awaiting the day I (hypothetically) die or awaiting the day I (finally) live.