Meh

 I feel meh for a couple of days now. This happens when my world gets quiet after a storm. All my inner worries come to light. I never really get to enjoy a time off because whenever I do so, that's usually when my phone rings and here comes another problem. 

I wish life either pauses, stops, or rewind to a time when I used to genuinely enjoy my life, when I truly loved being me. Because right now, I just hate what I've become, what my life has become. This isn't at all what I imagined.

I can't move forward at all. I feel stuck to my 2018 self, unable to reroute because my Dad's been watching my every move and I can't just change the course of my life. I always wish for my Father's retirement and seldom talk about it in public because everyone knows you're supposed to wish your parents well. Well, spare me the glory of hope because I know he'll live anyway. So if you're to judge me, just forget it. 

This will be the end of me, and I'm not being dramatic. I seriously feel like quitting permanently. Except when I think about it more, I always see my Mom crying and blaming herself and that image I can't take. I doubt she can let go of me and I have to carry that burden with me.