Now, what?

 August has been a big jar of emotions, all condensed in one space, constantly sparring against each other. In the end, no one has won. They're still trapped in there, each suffering in an eternal pretentious state.

What an intro. I guess it comes with a little bit of pride, now that your girl Lilah Gran, is officially a published author. I remember telling Aaron how surprised I was, at how fast and easy things seem to be getting, echoing my theory of many years that - destiny should be easy. I allowed myself to fantasize about mine, my destiny. In less than two months, my story has been accepted and published. Things were definitely easy, until it isn't anymore. It all happened so fast that the contrast was noticeable. Now things are snail slow. Everyday I'm waiting for news that might or might not come, while staying afloat at my other life which is law school - still. I can't believe I'm still riding the same boat after 7 years? Embarrassment is an understatement. 

When I received confirmation that 2022 is not my year, I sulked in my pajamas and ice cream. I knew it would be another depression to overcome. I wanted something for myself that I geared up this plan C of becoming an Author. I guess I wanted some good news too, some good luck in my life. Something to celebrate. Some small win I can brag about. As fast as it went, faster it went away. The hype is slowly dying and I'm back to the depressive state I left a month ago. Still a nobody. 

I just wanted a name for myself, no matter what name. I guess I feel a little guilty shoving Lilah Gran into the spotlight when maybe she's not ready. I used her and now she's so exhausted she couldn't even write. 

The big question is - now, what?