But if I'm tired everyday, then that makes me lazy everyday

Dear self, wag tayo tamarin, okay?

I was confident a change in lifestyle would boost my energy for my extra curricular activities. I thought I invested enough memories to motivate me. But I find myself drained. I feel so tired, and I haven't even entered the regular scheme of law school yet. When I get tired like this, I get lazy, and I can discard relationships for an extra hour of sleep. I can honestly hate exerting effort to make this whole thing work. Like, what's the point? I'm so tired, I could leave this coffeeshop right now and have a decent nap instead. What do I get in return for waiting? A chance to spend a few hours with him?

A chance.
He hasn't even asked me yet, but I'm already waiting.
This could just be another waiting game.
He's good at that.
And I would regret not heading home after gym.
But here I am, hanging on to a chance to see him.
Because missing this chance means waiting for another two days.
And it's torture.

Part of me gets jealous.
Why does our relationship gets to be unconventional?
I wish he can visit me once.
I wish he can meet my friends.
I wish he could just stop by.
I wish I could get validation that it's real.
But it's all against the current.
And I asked for this exact challenge.

He told me about doing Scuba Diving this coming Sunday. Again, with his indirect invite. Why couldn't he just ask me straightforward? That way I could actually make time for him. But he didn't ask me, so I cling to that relief, that I could refuse and he couldn't blame me for it. I have classes Monday and I have readings the same day. Sunday should be study day, but it's all his free day. I'm supposed to come home Saturday but if I'm leaving Sunday, how am I suppose to justify "staying in Alabang" for the weekend? I would have to coat another lie to my Dad.

Maybe I'm just tired, but if I'm tired everyday, then that makes me lazy everyday.