I'm just accepting everything

Figuring him out is still a roller coaster ride. I don't understand his state of mind. 

All I know is that I need to jot this down for later analysis.

I decided to drop my paranoia and went along his play the next day. We met at the gym, and admittedly I was glad he was still paying attention to me. But something happened that day that almost made me drop this landian for good. He backed me on a corner. I opened up to him and I trusted him, but he gave it away like it was for free. I was caught off guard, forced to entertain a situation I didn't anticipate. He shoved me there blind, and I was furious. Apparently he told his friend I was transferring (a secret I wasn't ready to share with the world), and this friend of him approached me and grilled me. I was surprised. I haven't formulated a game plan and yet I was forced to enter the battlefield. I was there without and armor, and I felt ambushed. I hated what I felt then, small and vulnerable, weak and defenseless. I was embarrassed at the same time, so I hurried out the gym. 

He called me right away saying he was worried. That, calmed me down.

And then today he asked me out again for dinner. I was slightly shy because I know he's breaking away from his "strict" diet. We went farther north this time. He knew my love for meat, so he offered to eat steak for the night. I didn't understand his efforts, and why surprisingly, it didn't turn me off. Instead, I just willingly accepted it. And I enjoyed it. I realized because he does these things not really to impress me. He does it to make me comfortable, to ride along whatever makes me happy. 

But there's something about tonight though, I felt it. His mood was different. He wasn't dismissive. In fact, he reopened the topic on meeting my friends for a drink. He told me this time he was up for it. I think he also had some thought over our last "date" and realized some things were kind of weird. And then he did this thing. He watched me. He was just watching me eat our dessert. I felt his gaze and it was intense. He was just looking at me. That made up for everything.

I think he was determined to make up for that last time, because when we said our goodbyes, he initiated the beso. He even reached out his arms to me. I think that last time he was trying to put distance between us, because I'll be far away from him and it'd be harder to see each other. I suppose men also overthink things. Whatever he realized, I'm glad we're back to being our usual selves. What I notice from him though is he tends to say the wrong things sometimes, but he makes up for it the next we meet.

I have no idea what's in store for us when school starts. Whether we find time to catch up or the spark slowly dies down, we'll never know until it happens.

But I guess right now, I'm just 

accepting everything.