WHAT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT #5: Co-equals

To be genuine friends with anybody, and to cultivate a healthy relationship, both have to be co-equals of each other.

I actually thought she treated him as an equal, a gym buddy, or even as a friend, but when she gave him something unusable under the disguise of a "gift", I don't think it is in any way a representation of true friendship. In fact I think she is putting herself higher than him. She is exhibiting superiority, whether intentional or unintentional. The thing with the subconscious mind is that it speaks more of the intention compare to the conscious mind.

I'm writing about it here because I know for a fact he wouldn't listen to me. He is in some aspect, corrupted by his admiration of her talent. And I've given up arguments on it. I'll just let it go this time. Let him be.

Read More

Confessions of PTs GF: Misjudged

Today I went bezerk at the mall. I can't even recognize what triggers my temper anymore. It's just suddenly, I felt so mad. I felt attacked because I really believed that at the moment, I was doing the right thing, and all he was doing was tell me I'm reacting wrong. I really think my reaction is legitimate, if based upon the facts that were given to me at the time. So when he tells me I'm overreacting, I cannot agree. I felt so defeated, so small. He shut me up without even bothering to understand where my reaction was coming from. He was judging me. And I bet if he was in the same position as I was, he would react the same, maybe not as intensely as I did, but he would definitely say something too. 

It's so unfair, to be judged so prematurely, especially coming from the person who should have understood where I was coming from. In fact, he was there, same as I was. It was all a big misunderstanding but my reaction was based upon the false facts handed down to me. I wouldn't react otherwise if I was provided by the entirety of the situation. Yet, he still judged me. He still told me I got quick to react. Of course I was quick to react because I believed I cheated upon. Why is that wrong? Why is my reaction at the time so wrong? I didn't say anything else after I was told the whole truth, because then I know. But at that split second when all the facts point to being cheated on, I know I'm just protecting my rights. I'm doing exactly what some people can only dream on doing: confronting.

I've never felt so misunderstood in my life. It felt like the world was closing down on me, labelling me an outsider. He was supposed to be my partner in crime. Yet he won't take the fall because deep down, way deep down, he's not for the team. He doesn't believe in the cause and that's why it's destined to fail. He and I, we're fighting for different things and everyday it gets clearer that we'll never be on the same page. We might be reading the same book, but never on the same page, or chapter at that.

Until now I don't think he gets where I'm coming from. He did not apologize at all. He still believes it's my fault. I can feel that. And it doesn't matter because I apologized anyway. Wouldn't he just do the same? Unless he's still planning a coup, behind my back. One day I think he will overthrow me, just push me out totally. Not unless I walk out on my own.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: Not my bestfriend

He is not diverse, and I think there is where my expectation stops. He cannot be both at once, my bestfriend and my boyfriend. I envy those women who can have both. He is my support system. The comfort he gives me is enough to propel me farther in life. He gives me strength to be at my best. My future is clearer when he's around to paint it with me. But he can't be anything else. 

We stand at different ends of a stick. He is too simple for me. The way he formulates ideas is one way. Unless I manage to explain how I think, he does not understand, and even worse, he does not listen. He barely pays attention to anything I do unless it is too obvious not to notice. He does not initiate ways to impress me unless I tell him to do it. 

I've taken the benefit of the doubt. Probably he is not at all observant or romantic or diverse. Maybe it's not about me and our relationship. Maybe he lacks empathy in every aspect of his life. 

He does not understand my interests at all, but he does listen only when I speak slowly and only for a short time. His comprehension is always struggling, and I have to accept the fact that his memory isn't his strong pursuit. What I tell him today, he forgets tomorrow. It's hard to believe that he actually listened in the first place. It's much harder to believe that he loves me when things I love to talk about has no space in his mind.

We've been together long enough to establish that his mind barely has space for anything. It would explain his lack of imagination. But I am imaginative, and that's where our problem lies. I am too complicated for his simplicity. 

I wish he could be my bestfriend too because he's already the best boyfriend. 

Everything that is supposed to be my best asset, he thinks a liability. He maneuvers life in a careful way and that's not how I do things at all. I thought being outspoken and brave is a good thing. I have tendencies to be ruthless and that's where he attacks me. No great ruler reigns without enemies, but enemies scare him. I see enemies as proof of success. Nobody gets to greatness without competition. He believes otherwise. Instead of supporting a change in me, he brings me down himself. He blames me for not having friends like it's a bad thing. Everything that makes me unique, he sees a flaw in it. And I'm not liking the feeling. He makes me feel broken and defected, like something is wrong with me, and I should change.

All my life I clawed out of the norm. I pursued the extraordinary. Yet now he wants me to blend in. All of a sudden, I needed to be normal, ordinary, and good. The exact person I struggled to be against.

I am not like the other girls and I take pride in that. There are a million of girls who are selfless, I am not one of those girls because my goal requires me not to be. I think the world needs someone like me too, a storm to appreciate the sun, chaos to understand peace. I expect him to see me the way I see myself. Instead, he tells me I'm a bad person. Being with him cripples me. 

Everybody wants to be unique, and I am already one. Then suddenly it's a bad thing. Sometimes, I think he just doesn't know how to handle me.

I want to conquer the world and I think he just wants a farm somewhere remote. I love him but I don't think I like him enough. I have cravings in my heart that he does not understand, not in a way that he cannot see but rather in a way he cannot interpret. He lacks the tools to understand me. 

And I am done explaining myself, justifying to him everything I do out of the norm. Today, I shall only be me and if he stays as my boyfriend, then he shall learn to accept that. I have long given up trying to be his bestfriend. In fact, I don't want to be his bestfriend. We wouldn't get along. We don't share the same vibes. 

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: Fast Forward

I remember that one specific moment summer, 2017, I started my day waking up before my alarm clock rings. 

This is the day we see each other again. Excited and hopeful, I drove to the parking lot near the gym and I hurried to see you. I climbed the stairs and smiles back at the faces of security guards stationed on the way to you. 

Last Saturday was the first time we had dinner together when you invited me after the fitness event. I still couldn't believe it. Sunday was all about butterflies. We had coffee at the back of my car in the parking lot and you talked, I listened. Time was irrelevant. We owned every minute of it until I dropped you off at the van station, as I drive home wondering what just happened. 

I wondered where it will lead us. And before I know it, all the butterflies time traveled and here we are in 2019, sharing a place in Las Pinas, full of ups and downs. Suddenly that one day summer of 2017 was a lifetime away. 

Right now I have no idea where we are or what we are, but I know, I know it's a different place. I haven't been in this state of mind before. I need the time to think it through.  I need to fix whatever is broken without damaging the mother board, if at all possible. 

I need to be where I was at that one Saturday night after I dropped you off, 

full of joy, 

and full of hope.

Read More

Confessions of a Personal Trainer's Girlfriend: CONFESSION #1

Confessions of a Personal Trainer's Girlfriend

CONFESSION #1: Why Personal Trainer?

If you're going to ask me why, I'll say I don't know. Maybe it's destiny. Maybe we just happen to be at the right place and the right time. Maybe it's all just a big plot twist concocted by whoever was bored up there. We are two completely different persons born at two different decades but somewhat found our way to each other.

Before I start listing down "confessions", I'd like to make a disclaimer. This isn't a regular love story. I'm going to try to avoid the cheesy parts because I completely hate those. I'm not particularly a fan of romantic gestures because to me that's just being unoriginal. Like flowers. What a generic way to show someone you're in love. If you share the same belief, or maybe you're curious to hear my perspective, then go ahead and grab a seat. Listen to my story. I assure you, it may be ordinary at first, but it gets crazier.

Let me give you a little backstory of my life. Trust me, it's important in this narrative. I grew up an only child and that's important because it will explain my lack in social skills and my lifestyle choice. I also started out in life spoiled. I do not belong in the 1%, let me be clear about that, but I most definitely have more than enough. I grew up having options about basically everything - toys, education, clothes, gifts, food. 

I am also not ugly. Let me elaborate before I get attacked by netizens. I'll be frank, I think I'm okay. I'm going to take that compliment. I'm not going to act all surprised when people tell me I look pretty. But I'm the kind of pretty that isn't for close up. I'm the kind that needs work. But I can definitely be pretty for the average standard. Maybe that's because I'm kind of fair skinned. The kind that Asian gets as a version of a fair skinned. I grew up getting special treatments because I look pretty. I am that spoiled. Society did that. There were even times when people talk to me in English just because of a false impression that I grew up abroad, or that I only speak English and not Filipino. I am also quite tall for a normal Filipino lady, so you get it. Growing up people tell me their visions of me and my potential career. I could be the next Ms. Universe or a Flight Stewardess. Those are the jobs people foresee for me.

Let me tell you right now, I hated it. I hated being pretty and being tall because growing up I hated the attention. I hated standing out. I wanted to blend in. I hate being at the end of every line at every Elementary School Flag Ceremony. I wanted so desperate to be normal. And yet people get intimitated by the natural features of my face, or because I'm tall, or because my Mom loves to dress me up, or maybe because I'm quiet. Why am I quiet, you ask? Because I'm awkward. 

So this is what I did, I rebelled against people's image of me. In High School I became the opposite of what I was in Elementary School. The barbie doll image started fading in everybody's minds. I didn't want to be admired for being pretty and tall, I wanted to be feared for being smart. I began choosing people because I hate crowds. I limited the smiles I give away because I don't want to be just a pretty face. I offered my friendship to exclusive people and I became very choosy.

Now going back to the topic at hand, let me tell you why I chose to date a Personal Trainer. People who tell others "I didn't mean to fall in love" are liars. Of course you knew. You knew you're beginning to develop feelings but you choose to continue. Don't be a hypocrite. One thing you can expect from this whole "confessions" series is honesty. I'll be honest with you. I SAW IT COMING. In fact at some point I also wanted it to go there. Obviously. 

I chose to date a Personal Trainer because it's a foreign territory for me. I am addicted to knowledge. Because my friendship is exclusive, I had to maintain a criteria. To be my friend, there must be something I can learn from you. I am choosy because I am hard to please. I like to immerse myself in different experiences and information making it hard for the average person to wow me. In short, it takes more than flowers to get my attention. 

If there is one specific field of knowledge that I was unfamiliar with, it is Health and Fitness. In fact, I bounced back and forth with weight over the years and it is still something I struggle with to this day. I knew I needed to make a lifestyle change. I just didnt't know how to get there, until I met Him. 

Trust me when I tell you he must be the greatest Personal Trainer at his field. I am not exaggerating. I truly believe he has the best potential out there. Like me, he is addicted to knowledge, only his addiction is directed at only one direction. For many years, I was awakened by a passionate pursuit quite similar to mine.

I can tell. I can tell when people are doing their job for the money or for the glory (my gosh the abs). I can also tell when somebody's passionate about their job. And that's Him for you. There is room to grow. There is a chase to a greater knowledge. I hate being stuck to a minimum. A true success to me isn't about standing at the top. It's about climbing to the top. Someone asked me before, what makes you see a smart person? I remembered my answer well. Open minded. Being smart is pointless if you're stuck there. Humility is the number one thing and you practice humility by attracting smarter people than you. Create a personal space and invite the best of people in it. Someone said before, "If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are at the wrong room." I strongly believe that. That's why I am looking for someone to grow with, in a field of knowledge apart from my own interest. That way, I cover all (lol!).

Stay tuned for my next "confession", I'll summarize our love story.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: Aaron is my choice

So Aaron and I are in good terms again. Ask me how.

I gave another chance, but this time not to him. I gave "us" another chance. I still believe my relationship is worth saving and I'm tired of convincing people that I'm making the right decision. I'm probably not. But doing this gives me peace. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters - move towards a decision you can live with.

Aaron is many things sub par but he still loves me. I can seriously attest to that. Love is not our problem. And call me whatever name but to me, love is always worth another fight.

Aaron's intentions are pure and it's hard to explain that to people when they only watch us from a screen. Aaron's difficulty is expression. I think many factors contributed to his fear of confrontation. He is a stranger to conversations. He is a stranger to his own emotions. He has been deprived of speech for such a long time that he's forgotten how to communicate, not with me or anyone else, but to himself. His decades of lack of sleep has definitely taken a toll. The people he has to deal with over the years took away his ability to trust himself. 

I look at Aaron and I see many great potential. He has raw talent. His willingness to learn usually put him in jeopardy. People tend to abuse his kind heart that he learned to shield it by caring just a little bit less. He distanced himself from the smallest of things that could potentially hurt him. He did things by the book because no one appreciated his uniqueness and passion. He has this incredible thirst for success that I want to be a part of. I want to walk by his side, on his arms, and smile at the people he invited over, the same people who put him down. I want to win by his side because winning battles alone is lonely.

I can almost imagine us, two people who aren't meant to be together, who aren't supposed to be together, to survive.

We are two different people tasked to be one. But I understand him. I understand his struggles. I understand his pain. I understand his ambition. I understand his passion. I understand his capacity. We will never stand on the same page, because no one's meant to be supporting role. We are Volumes I and II, part of each other's, but both carry a different plot in different perspectives. I will write my own book and so will he. And together will be an epic journey. 

I am very good at describing things but Aaron is the only thing I find difficult to describe. He is many things the dictionary hasn't found a word for. I am manufacturing my own language just to understand him. He is complicated but just like many uncertain things, complications make life. Complications make life interesting, because finding meaning gives us purpose. It drives to self-discovery. It even sometimes, if not all times, lead to adventure.

I am done justifying my choices. Aaron is my choice. And as long as I'm making the choices, I'll choose him. Over and over and over. 

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: And I'm not a liar

Kapag pinatawad kita mahihirapan ka. Matagal bago ako makakarecover. I will end up bringing it back again and again, joke or not. I will be paranoid, everytime you mention Hannah. I will always think it was "more than just yosi", and madalas niyong ginagawa yun. Just the two of you, talking about your life's problems because I am not enough. I don't motivate you enough that you find the need to rely on something and someone to calm you. I've always tried to understand you. I always choose to see your good side because I don't want to lose you. Many times now you've lied to me, and worse, many times too you've broken your promises to me. I've always been 100% real to you. Hindi ako nagsinungaling sayo ever.  I've told you all of my secrets because I trust you. I don't anymore. Even when I say that I believe you now, deep down I'll always wonder if that was a lie you just said to me. I know it will hurt you. You hate being judged after all. Pero I can't hurry up the process of recovery because I'll end up lying to myself. And I'm not a liar.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: One lie is enough to question all truths

Right now I'm more worried about what you can still do to hurt me.

One lie is enough to question all truths. And you lied to me enough times for me to question everything.

It's not about the nature of your lie. I don't care if you lied about the weather. What hurts me the most is knowing you have the ability to lie to me after all.

I'll always be double checking what you say and it will drive me nuts. I would be completely unfair to you as well. You could have really changed and only tell truths but I will always be judging you. I will be filtering you, questioning you, and you will not like it.

I don't think I can move on from here trusting you completely.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: I might as well leave him

Everything about Aaron turns me off now. He barely finds time to talk to me. He lies to me. His job eats most of his time and energy. He's always asleep. He's doesn't surprise me. He doesn't know how to make me feel special at all. I always have to tell him what to do or what to say hor how to react. He can never decide for himself. He's so poor at plannin and he never considers the future. He regrets most of the things in his life and yet he can't figure out how to change. He doesn't listen and for the most part he doesn't undertand anything I'm saying. I can't bring him to eat my comfort foods with me, he never stays up late. He never does anything out of the ordinary for me, nor does he go out of his way for me. He always forgets about me. I can't discuss intelligent conversations with him. He doesn't even understand the movies that we watch. I can't drag him to watch intelligent movies with me because I either have to explain it to him, or he just obviously forces himself to be interested. He lives in his luck but everyone knows no one is that lucky. Everything about Aaron is such a turn off. I might as well leave him.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: I wish I could unlove him

Ever wish you can unlove somebody? I never knew what to say when people ask me, "What superpower do you wish you have?" The thing is, I want so much that I want nothing at all. I could say I want to fly for all the selfish reasons. I could also say I want to be invisible for all the funny reasons. But now when people ask me, I have found my answer.

I wish I could unlove him.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: He did it on purpose

I am not mad,

I am hurt.

Extremely hurt.

This time is different. He knew it would anger me, yet he still did it. It's not ignorance anymore. I cannot just let it go. I am hurt. 

It was easy to forgive him before. He wasn't aware he was making me mad. He didn't know I would overreact. But he knew this time. He knew and yet he still did it. 

I think he intentionally hurt me. And that bothers me.

Maybe it's not his job anymore, maybe the problem roots from his attitude itself. I've tried to support him, every ounce I got. It's so unfair. It's just his first day and he could ignore me like this. Imagine when he gets totally busy. I cannot take myself there. I cannot allow myself to be taken advantage like this. 

This is different. 

He did it on purpose.

And it hurts.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: He is a bastard son of extreme good luck

Is it possible to love someone undesirable to begin with? He's a constant back and forth and I don't think I like it. Everything I admired about him was just a face, or a phase. In reality, I think he has no idea what's going on. He is a bastard son of extreme good luck. 

I pity him not because he's lost, but because he doesn't know how to find his way. It's not that he keeps making wrong decisions, it's the lack thereof that's so pitiful. He expects people to make the decisions for him because he's afraid of retaliation. He distances himself from confrontations because he doesn't know how to turn people down. He waits until life turns a page and drags him along anyway.

You know I think the world just stopped teaching him lessons. He's not worth it. 

I finally understand why he keeps women at bay. Two or three women are at his attention because he doesn't know how to choose. He cannot distinguish his choice because he cannot stand confrontations. He doesn't know to handle himself, thus his inability to handle life in itself.

Maybe he's only good at beginnings, at making good impressions. His expertise lies in the courting stage, when women exhibit chemicals that make him seem perfect. Luck has a habit of sticking around him, until time makes an entrance and ruins everything for him. With time, luck has no power. Time releases truth, and his truth isn't exactly admirable.

I used to feel sad about these women, but now I think they must be very lucky to have him out sight. 

Three decades and he survived. He keeps a blind eye to the rough corners along the way because he keeps surviving. Maybe he's just blessed with the right people that supports him. Or just like me, people who pities him. He's a magnet of smart people who sees his potential. And that's how he live. He depends on the decisions people make for him because he takes too long to make it himself. The world learned to drag him along its rotation because what else can it do.

He's a plastic bag that follows the current of life, everyday hopeful that things magically fall into place. He's a piece of paper lost in the whirlwind of life, everyday hopeful that people magically fall into place. 

I used to argue with him, several times in a row, about keeping ground and taking chances. But there is a language gap I cannot close until he goes back to his childhood and his parents teach him the basics. He is a lost cause, whose only survival depends on the frustrations of people around him. And in my frustrations, I am dragging him places, amidst the things undesirable about him.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: I might as well love him right

This week I had a silver lining. I found a rainbow to hang on in the persistent storm I let in. Whatever the difference is, I like it. Maybe I learned to adapt, or maybe I just learned to ignore it. Either way, I find peace now. That's all that matters.

I needed to change my mindset. I lost control of my emotions. On second thought, I've never had control of it. What I lost control of, is my thoughts. I entertained ideas that would only make matters worse. It's a good thing I managed to pull away before I jumped over.

I avoided stalking because I knew it would help. And it did. At least for a couple of weeks. Everyday my blood pumps curiosity. And I was so proud I could only reward myself one way: a peek. Once in a while, I'd allow myself a cheat day. I'd revisit old habits, eager to find more things from the time I rewarded myself. But this strategy only lasts a short time.

I found what I was looking for, the right mindset. I allowed myself to stalk until I started to feel ashamed. Eventually, I just stopped. I stopped being paranoid. I stopped being affected. I stopped snooping around. I stopped doubting him. I just loved him. I kept looking at the world outside us, whereas the only thing I can control is the world between us. Instead of pushing away people around him, I started to invest in him. After all, nobody seeks negative vibes. Before it was too late, I switched things around. I welcomed him home without interrogation. I looked at his profile without overthinking.  I looked at his friends without judgment.

For a time I lived in "possibility" and not "reality", and that was my wake up call.

He's all mine and nothing's changing that.
I might as well love him right if I was going to love him anyway.

So far, it's working.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: I love you but I ain’t dragging myself down for you

I love you but I ain’t dragging myself down for you.

I get it. It’s painful. You feel like dying or killing somebody. That’s what heartbreak does. I could be doing the same thing if it were me, but right now I ain’t you. I have priorities. And that doesn’t include drowning myself in alcohol or suffocating myself in cigarette smoke. I will not exchange a good night sleep over you. 

You are my friend and I love you but I ain’t dragging myself down for you.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: Where is happy ending there?

I can just pinpoint what makes us different. It's as obvious as picking out flowers in a pile of rocks.

Of course I knew, and at first I didn't think it would bother me this much. I thought our differences are mere differences. I liked friction anyway. After all, a little contrast in personality isn't that bad. Worse case scenario, I thought, disagreeing on petty things is all there could be.

But months went by, and it soon unraveled a different story. 

I realized I looked at our difference as a contrast in our personality, brought about by the difference in our upbringing. But it wasn't just our personality. It is our entire mindset. I thought the worse that could happen is disagreeing how much to spend for dinner. But it was more than that. My brain is wired in a completely advanced settings than his. It was his logic and his decision-making skills that I judge. It was his common sense and his memory that I judge. I convinced myself that it couldn't be that bad. But it is. 

And everything about him is a complete waste. I could admire him for his passion in fitness, but everything else sucks, everything else that actually matters. He has no substance at all. His brain is a mockery of intelligence. It seemed more like I adopted a child dressed as an adult than gained a partner to spend my life with. 

I look down on him more often than previously. And I know it's wrong. But he brings out this wicked side of me, no matter how much I love him.

Where is happy ending there?

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: He always find a way to disappoint me

I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal out of this. I’m just not okay with it. I would never stop him from hanging out with his friends, I just wish he doesn’t do it by breaking his word. I always pattern my schedule based off of his and he ends up ruining it anyway. He would tell me one thing and then change his mind last minute. I hated it since I was young. I hate broken promises and vain words. I’m the type of girl that gets excited a lot. So when he tells me something, I imagine doing it until it happens. I like to look forward to it. And then he cancels on me and everything just collapses. He always find a way to disappoint me no matter how hard I try. I think that’s his specialty.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: And leaving him would hurt me more

He isn't what I was looking for. On the bad days when I'm not in the mood to talk, he couldn't find a way to make me feel better. I've sculpted a way for him to reach me but that only taught him how to follow me. He can't walk without the special shoes I gave him and deep down inside it's slowly putting out the fire that I thought I saw in him. All his guards are down, and I realized that what he had to offer isn't really worth my protection. I was so intrigued by the walls he built upon himself that I made it my life goal to crack it. I lived in delusion that this mystery around him means so much more, and at a deeper level. But it wasn't so much more as ignorance. He doesn't understand my depth and he doesn't even try. All he is is "I didn't realize" or "I didn't get that" or "I'm too naive to see that coming". He doesn't know how to connect or react, and worse, he doesn't know how to talk to me.

I taught myself to accept whatever he could give me, in whatever form and size, but one thing I cannot teach myself is how to see exactly what he's giving me. He does it so subtle that it almost seem natural.  That it almost seem like the world is giving it to me, instead of him. But I want a love that destroys. I want a love that conquers. I want a love that burns. I want the diamond, not the silver. I want a love that finds a way to get that diamond. I want to see him get out of his way. I want him to impress me. But instead, all he does has to factor in the convenience of the situation. It has to be easy for him. It has be common.

I would appreciate a vain effort to get that diamond, than the easier option to get the silver. I just want to see the effort. I don't care if he gets it done or not, I just want to see the trying part. The trying to be special. The trying to give me something no one else can give me. I want him to stand out. I want him to prove me that losing him would kill me. That's all I needed, and yet that's exactly what doesn't understand.

Apart from all of this, I can't even unchoose him anymore because I've completely let him in. Pushing him out would take some part of me with him. And leaving him would hurt me more.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: What a bummer

I will miss him, why can't he understand that? I will miss him terribly when I'm gone. 

All I wanted is to spend as much time as I can with him. What's wrong with spending the whole day together? I was looking forward to the last Sunday before my departure. We could go somewhere fun since Sunday has always been his day off. But out of all the weekends of the year, Fit Con has to happen the same weekend. And I know that's something he can't miss out. But I feel so sad because I was really looking forward to it. I expected that day to be our day. I just wanted to wake up together and have breakfast together. After all, he always leaves before I wake up. We never get breakfast together and that's always been my favorite part of the relationship. Next week would be too busy to meet up. If I ever I see him after finals, it'll be a quick one. Why can't he understand that? There is no more "next time". This Sunday will be it.

And I can't believe I'm spending it at home instead.

What a bummer.

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: I am unhappy

I am unhappy in every aspect of my life.

I don't understand why happiness is rarely and briefly taken. One moment I'm holding it in my hands and then the next I'm watching it slip by. 

I thought I could be happier when I find someone to spend my lonely days with. Until I did, and it just became lonelier. Everything about us is so wrong. I saw his potential and I painted the rest of him. I can't see my strength in him anymore. I am drained in this relationship. I am tired expecting the best of him. He only disappoints me every single day. He disappoints me so much that I refuse to see anything good he does. My brain has been rewired to deny his intentions. Now I can only expect the worse of him. 

He makes me so unhappy in all aspect of my life. 

Read More

Confessions of a PT's GF: And just like that I'm in love all over again

Finally weekend and the clouds parted.

We have been fighting for three days straight unable to talk calmly and intellectually because we're both tired from work and school. Both of our minds were exhausted. So although we made up, it was insipid. We were dragging the relationship because we're both desperate to keep it. Last night was a miracle. We were just seated and drinking coffee and for the first time after a while we didn't have to be somewhere doing something else. We were at each other's presence and that led us to really talk.

I suppose when I confronted him about his past I had the whole day to myself to exaggerate things in my head. I was prepared to deny every explanation he might give me. And then we would talk about it again but he would be too sleepy to entertain the conversation. The next day he would be gone again and I would be back to my paranoia and unlimited access to stalking via the internet. 

So before last night, every conversation we had was a branchless tree. He would explain things to me about why he did those things but apparently, that wasn't what I needed. What I needed to hear was his state of mind. I wanted to hear his thoughts. I wanted him to talk and not just react. I wanted him to tell his version of the story and not just confirm it from my end.

And then he did and finally my brain relaxed.

I said I needed new reasons to love him. I found one - loving without the need to find a reason.

And just like that I'm in love all over again.

Read More