I don't even know how to proceed from here. Should I withdraw to save myself from further disappointment? Or should I continue because it's going to be worth it?
I love him because he feels like home. I feel comfortable with him. I don't need to suck in my belly rolls or do my makeup glamorously everyday. He sees me beautiful in any outfit and mood. But maybe because I am, in fact, beautiful. Then he could just be any other admirer. Maybe that's what he is to me, a cushion, a flooring to step on. He feels like someone I could return to when I get into trouble. Until he begins to be cause of that trouble, and it leads me to question the love I thought I have for him.
I don't understand his love. He delivers it in different packaging. Sometimes he makes me feel loved, but sometimes he makes me feel dispensable. I knew I will come second after his career. He did at times made me feel I come first though, especially at the beginning of the relationship. But recently I find myself falling in line, and even worse, waiting hours in line. I get that he's busy. I just can't accept it. I can't imagine the gravity of his work to its worse extent. He couldn't be that busy. He shouldn't be that busy or else I'll suffer. I will always be waiting for him. And I will always be pissed off at his job for making him work 12 hours and more a day. I will always be a thief, expert in stealing glimpses of his time. By the lack thereof, I'll find myself put in the same routine. I get to wait for his return from work around 8pm or 9pm, whichever is acceptable that day, then we'll have dinner at our usual places before heading back home to sleep. And then he wakes up at 4am to prepare for another day.
I don't think I want this life. This is the life of a relationship down to their 4th year or more, or even of a husband of wife, not of a 6-month-going-7 couple. At first I thought understanding it all would be enough. But at the end of the day, it's never the question "Do you understand it?", but it's actually the question "Do you want it?". I don't. I want more. Just a little bit more. I am not asking for the impossible, I'm just asking for the reasonable. Spending more than 12 hours at work is not reasonable. Having to stay later than usual on special occasions like the Valentine''s Day is not reasonable. He might as well be the President for the work hours he's required to pledge.
I am a foreigner to his world. As I have tried hard to fit in for the last months, I realized I don't belong. I've squeezed myself in only to feel irritated by everything that goes along inside: the process, the culture, the people. The management is a blackhole and he's another star being sucked in. And I'm the tag along. I don't like his space, it's full of bullshit. Imagining forever would him would be alike.
Should I save the trouble of further annoyance and disappointment and break up with him now?
Or should I proceed only to witness it worsen?
I don't know what to do now. I don't want to leave him because I've learned to love him, but I am not ready to enter a one-way road to the indigents.
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