After all, it's always been just the two of us

I feel like I've been dumped off of a new family. I don't even consider bit of it as a family, nor do I consider any of it as home. It feels like a job or school. I am obligated to attend or else society would disown me. I would have to accept or else I will be an outcast, incapable of being normal.

I grew knowing two persons in my family. My Mom, who's very nurturing, and my Grandmother, who's very present. I had minimal thoughts of my Dad. If I ever look back at where we fell apart, I would have to say it was during my early teen years. Although before that my Mom would usually say we were close. I admired him a lot and I guess that was inevitable, being his baby girl after all. But then came my crucial teenhood years and everything between us fell apart. Especially when my Mom left to work abroad, I started to hate his presence. There were less laughter and conversations. It became repetitive and obligatory. 

Eventually my Mom formed her own family and although I can say I am a part of it, I can't live it. I am separated by miles and all of it is unfamiliar. Isn't that the point of home? Having something or someone to go back to when things get rough? Having someplace familiar of childhood to comfort the little girl inside? I can't say I have one. Everything in my childhood is gone, or have changed. And instead of complaining, due to my love of peace and harmony, I encourage myself to preach it: change. 

I feel like a fool, celebrating a person's birthday who has hurt my Mom's feelings, who used to discard us. Now I'm treating him like a family, and every fibre of my being screams it all wrong. Yet I can't escape the obligation because technically by law and by society, he is my brother. So I just go with. I flow with it as if I have nothing against it. No matter how much I want to complain, but to whom? Even if I tell my Mom anything, she can only come up with a sorry. In the end, I still have to do it. I can't even tell my boyfriend because he can't understand the depth of my thoughts and emotions. He is swimming near shore, yet I am swimming the open ocean. 

In the end, I am still stuck with myself. I end up talking to Lilah Gran, a fictional character I made up to name my brain. After all, it's always been just the two of us.