Finally weekend and the clouds parted.
We have been fighting for three days straight unable to talk calmly and intellectually because we're both tired from work and school. Both of our minds were exhausted. So although we made up, it was insipid. We were dragging the relationship because we're both desperate to keep it. Last night was a miracle. We were just seated and drinking coffee and for the first time after a while we didn't have to be somewhere doing something else. We were at each other's presence and that led us to really talk.
I suppose when I confronted him about his past I had the whole day to myself to exaggerate things in my head. I was prepared to deny every explanation he might give me. And then we would talk about it again but he would be too sleepy to entertain the conversation. The next day he would be gone again and I would be back to my paranoia and unlimited access to stalking via the internet.
So before last night, every conversation we had was a branchless tree. He would explain things to me about why he did those things but apparently, that wasn't what I needed. What I needed to hear was his state of mind. I wanted to hear his thoughts. I wanted him to talk and not just react. I wanted him to tell his version of the story and not just confirm it from my end.
And then he did and finally my brain relaxed.
I said I needed new reasons to love him. I found one - loving without the need to find a reason.
And just like that I'm in love all over again.
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