Yesterday he did the dumbest thing a guy would do, and the unluckiest at that, he left his phone with me. I was so tempted to check his past messages, so I gave in. I didn't know what I would found. I seriously just wanted a good laugh, and maybe a light pinch. I searched names I knew in his messages, messenger and other messaging apps. I did see what I wanted to see, and surprisingly more.
I couldn't believe my eyes. I've known Aaron a different way, and yet he appears to be another. I accepted the fact that the timeline with Kabee was a bit confusing and perhaps at some point even intersected with mine, but I ignored the discrepancies. I realized it's pointless to dwell in the past and what's important is now. I'm still the girl he chose. Until I found out that there's more to the story as it seems. There is another party involved, and it seemed more intimate than Kabee's. He, in fact, had sex with this new party. When I confronted him last night, he said it happened only once. I didn't care about the regularity. What hurts me is, while it's all happening with this Yssa girl, it's happening at the same time with Kabee. I guess I'm a bit lucky there that I appeared in his life a little bit later. I don't understand why he couldn't just tell me. I mean, he told me about this other girl he had sex with before, and I accepted that. What's so different with Yssa? It boils me down to my core thinking he had feelings for her, just weeks before he and I hit it off. And then I found out he didn't even end it right. He just dragged it on even after he and I became official. I wonder when he told me not to post photos while we were dating was really about work, or was he just avoiding trouble with these two ladies? Now everything he ever said to me, I start to doubt. I rewind every conversation we had and I get goosebumps. I pity the girls. He's quite the opposite of the man I knew.
I love him because he respected me. He respected girls. He didn't just hit it off with anyone, although he can. Furthermore, he waited until he and I had a label before he touched me. I believed my instincts when it said he's a victim of life and love, until I found out he victimizes too. I thought the mistakes he did before were unintentional. Flirting with several girls at the same time, maybe for man isn't a crime (especially since he was single), but it was how he handled it that disappointed me. He did it at the same time he was dating another. And then he ghosted them. Who's to say that won't happen again? I'm scared for my future. In fact, I question my future with him. I don't know what to believe anymore. Everything he was, is a complete turn off. And everything that I ever fell for, wasn't even the real him. I feel like I don't know him at all. Apparently he's not so nice after all. Traits that I admire about him were all orchestrated.
When I asked him for an explanation, he said he was eventually going to tell me. He just couldn't because he knew I'd react that way. He apologized right away for his bad behavior. He said he was trying to change, from the very moment we started dating. I don't want to believe him. I want to be mad. I want to throw him out of my room and be rebellious. But I can't deny the fact that since we became official, he would spend all of his free time with me. I remember once he told me that guys who keeps score would tell their buds, but when it gets serious, they get quiet. And it's true. He and his bud, they talked about me for a bit in the beginning and then nothing else after that. I can't doubt respect there.
I suppose I just need to reboot the image I had for him, and find new reasons to love him. I just need to accept the fact that he was exactly the guy I thought he were before I came to know him, a playboy. And that I was wrong about everything. And that I fucking, lost.
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