He isn't what I was looking for. On the bad days when I'm not in the mood to talk, he couldn't find a way to make me feel better. I've sculpted a way for him to reach me but that only taught him how to follow me. He can't walk without the special shoes I gave him and deep down inside it's slowly putting out the fire that I thought I saw in him. All his guards are down, and I realized that what he had to offer isn't really worth my protection. I was so intrigued by the walls he built upon himself that I made it my life goal to crack it. I lived in delusion that this mystery around him means so much more, and at a deeper level. But it wasn't so much more as ignorance. He doesn't understand my depth and he doesn't even try. All he is is "I didn't realize" or "I didn't get that" or "I'm too naive to see that coming". He doesn't know how to connect or react, and worse, he doesn't know how to talk to me.
I taught myself to accept whatever he could give me, in whatever form and size, but one thing I cannot teach myself is how to see exactly what he's giving me. He does it so subtle that it almost seem natural. That it almost seem like the world is giving it to me, instead of him. But I want a love that destroys. I want a love that conquers. I want a love that burns. I want the diamond, not the silver. I want a love that finds a way to get that diamond. I want to see him get out of his way. I want him to impress me. But instead, all he does has to factor in the convenience of the situation. It has to be easy for him. It has be common.
I would appreciate a vain effort to get that diamond, than the easier option to get the silver. I just want to see the effort. I don't care if he gets it done or not, I just want to see the trying part. The trying to be special. The trying to give me something no one else can give me. I want him to stand out. I want him to prove me that losing him would kill me. That's all I needed, and yet that's exactly what doesn't understand.
Apart from all of this, I can't even unchoose him anymore because I've completely let him in. Pushing him out would take some part of me with him. And leaving him would hurt me more.
I taught myself to accept whatever he could give me, in whatever form and size, but one thing I cannot teach myself is how to see exactly what he's giving me. He does it so subtle that it almost seem natural. That it almost seem like the world is giving it to me, instead of him. But I want a love that destroys. I want a love that conquers. I want a love that burns. I want the diamond, not the silver. I want a love that finds a way to get that diamond. I want to see him get out of his way. I want him to impress me. But instead, all he does has to factor in the convenience of the situation. It has to be easy for him. It has be common.
I would appreciate a vain effort to get that diamond, than the easier option to get the silver. I just want to see the effort. I don't care if he gets it done or not, I just want to see the trying part. The trying to be special. The trying to give me something no one else can give me. I want him to stand out. I want him to prove me that losing him would kill me. That's all I needed, and yet that's exactly what doesn't understand.
Apart from all of this, I can't even unchoose him anymore because I've completely let him in. Pushing him out would take some part of me with him. And leaving him would hurt me more.
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