This week I had a silver lining. I found a rainbow to hang on in the persistent storm I let in. Whatever the difference is, I like it. Maybe I learned to adapt, or maybe I just learned to ignore it. Either way, I find peace now. That's all that matters.
I needed to change my mindset. I lost control of my emotions. On second thought, I've never had control of it. What I lost control of, is my thoughts. I entertained ideas that would only make matters worse. It's a good thing I managed to pull away before I jumped over.
I avoided stalking because I knew it would help. And it did. At least for a couple of weeks. Everyday my blood pumps curiosity. And I was so proud I could only reward myself one way: a peek. Once in a while, I'd allow myself a cheat day. I'd revisit old habits, eager to find more things from the time I rewarded myself. But this strategy only lasts a short time.
I found what I was looking for, the right mindset. I allowed myself to stalk until I started to feel ashamed. Eventually, I just stopped. I stopped being paranoid. I stopped being affected. I stopped snooping around. I stopped doubting him. I just loved him. I kept looking at the world outside us, whereas the only thing I can control is the world between us. Instead of pushing away people around him, I started to invest in him. After all, nobody seeks negative vibes. Before it was too late, I switched things around. I welcomed him home without interrogation. I looked at his profile without overthinking. I looked at his friends without judgment.
For a time I lived in "possibility" and not "reality", and that was my wake up call.
He's all mine and nothing's changing that.
I might as well love him right if I was going to love him anyway.
So far, it's working.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment