I am a monster

I am in the company of a version of myself I didn't recognize. Whoever she is, I'd rather she hides. I am stunned at my ridiculous attempt to be good. Because that part of me, that is evil. I didn't raise her. She merely resided in me, a freeloader over the years that she hides. 

I thought all these years, all my struggles was just my way of growing wings. But was I really just growing horns? Am I really following the righteous path? Or am I really just embracing the evil inside of me?

I am hurt, but I don't know which hurt me most. Could they all just line up and I'd point to the winner? Right now, I can't even enumerate the reasons I am hurt. They just exist, somewhere buried inside of me, possibly labelled as wisdom. 

I haven't seen myself get mad at something I know I shouldn't be mad for. Or worse, I never allow myself to be that mad at something insignificant. I've always been in control of my own emotions. I've practiced the ancient mantra of letting go and I've mastered it. But I gave in, and I can't believe that I did. And I saw myself roar, in a costume of an animal I didn't sew. 

She was a monster. 

I am a monster.

And I am scared where I am headed. It was roadless. I am making my way in the wrong path and I feel the power. I am creating a path to be taken as alternative and I am encouraging others. I think I making a Kingdom to rule upon. I am gathering resources, pushing people to their limits, putting pressure on things to break them. And when they break, I call them mine. 

That's where I put Aaron now, in my control. I was obsessed at being right all the time, because yes I was. But now that I've taught him to fly, I chain him to my castle, too scared to lose him, where my greatest compliment comes from. I wanted to be worshipped, so I disguised his love and admiration of me as an act of worship. And anything that threatened my rule, I destroyed in his head. I cut down ties that drives him away from me. He was too naive to see my hidden intention, and I guess I was too. Because I didn't see it as well. 

This is where we're headed, where I was headed. I dragged down my problems in chains locked up in cages and wore them as trophies. I bragged about my triumphs re-telling the story a little bit differently. 

The more I did it, the more it felt natural. It felt so natural, I taught it really was.

But I was manipulative. I was cruel and violent.

I was wrong.

And I am on a detox now, trying hard to replace my mindset. Hopefully, even perspective gets a change of clothes. Because that's all I could do, style my mistakes as lessons. And put them on display.