He is not diverse, and I think there is where my expectation stops. He cannot be both at once, my bestfriend and my boyfriend. I envy those women who can have both. He is my support system. The comfort he gives me is enough to propel me farther in life. He gives me strength to be at my best. My future is clearer when he's around to paint it with me. But he can't be anything else.
We stand at different ends of a stick. He is too simple for me. The way he formulates ideas is one way. Unless I manage to explain how I think, he does not understand, and even worse, he does not listen. He barely pays attention to anything I do unless it is too obvious not to notice. He does not initiate ways to impress me unless I tell him to do it.
I've taken the benefit of the doubt. Probably he is not at all observant or romantic or diverse. Maybe it's not about me and our relationship. Maybe he lacks empathy in every aspect of his life.
He does not understand my interests at all, but he does listen only when I speak slowly and only for a short time. His comprehension is always struggling, and I have to accept the fact that his memory isn't his strong pursuit. What I tell him today, he forgets tomorrow. It's hard to believe that he actually listened in the first place. It's much harder to believe that he loves me when things I love to talk about has no space in his mind.
We've been together long enough to establish that his mind barely has space for anything. It would explain his lack of imagination. But I am imaginative, and that's where our problem lies. I am too complicated for his simplicity.
I wish he could be my bestfriend too because he's already the best boyfriend.
Everything that is supposed to be my best asset, he thinks a liability. He maneuvers life in a careful way and that's not how I do things at all. I thought being outspoken and brave is a good thing. I have tendencies to be ruthless and that's where he attacks me. No great ruler reigns without enemies, but enemies scare him. I see enemies as proof of success. Nobody gets to greatness without competition. He believes otherwise. Instead of supporting a change in me, he brings me down himself. He blames me for not having friends like it's a bad thing. Everything that makes me unique, he sees a flaw in it. And I'm not liking the feeling. He makes me feel broken and defected, like something is wrong with me, and I should change.
All my life I clawed out of the norm. I pursued the extraordinary. Yet now he wants me to blend in. All of a sudden, I needed to be normal, ordinary, and good. The exact person I struggled to be against.
I am not like the other girls and I take pride in that. There are a million of girls who are selfless, I am not one of those girls because my goal requires me not to be. I think the world needs someone like me too, a storm to appreciate the sun, chaos to understand peace. I expect him to see me the way I see myself. Instead, he tells me I'm a bad person. Being with him cripples me.
Everybody wants to be unique, and I am already one. Then suddenly it's a bad thing. Sometimes, I think he just doesn't know how to handle me.
I want to conquer the world and I think he just wants a farm somewhere remote. I love him but I don't think I like him enough. I have cravings in my heart that he does not understand, not in a way that he cannot see but rather in a way he cannot interpret. He lacks the tools to understand me.
And I am done explaining myself, justifying to him everything I do out of the norm. Today, I shall only be me and if he stays as my boyfriend, then he shall learn to accept that. I have long given up trying to be his bestfriend. In fact, I don't want to be his bestfriend. We wouldn't get along. We don't share the same vibes.
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