Tea this morning

I've always wanted to write a meaningful book, like the ones I like to read. A book geared towards philosophical, pilgrimage, and introspective. Everytime I compartmentalize my thoughts and what I've learned so far, I get so frustrated. I always give up because it's too hard. I get a migraine and I put it off for another day. But it's always been there, the ideas. In the book Siddhartha written by Hermann Hesse, he talked about wisdom as something incapable of being shared, taught, and put into words. I totally understand. I sit here trying to put my wisdom into words and I can't find the proper way to do it. I get stuck in between numerous ideas, all battling against each other. I still haven't found the answer. If I do write this book, it won't be purposeful at all. It will just be me, documenting what I know so far.

Robert Greene said, one of my favorite authors and brains, stupidity is defined by half-knowledge, not ignorance. When you know a subject half-heartedly and you preach it like a master, then you are stupid. Stupid people, according to him, causes more world destruction than evil. I quite agree. Because once you have reached mastery, you prefer silence. Not because you are wise, but because it gets too tiresome to argue. After all, there's a constant argument inside your head. Saying it out loud requires another set of muscles. How do you explain things when you don't understand it yourself? That confusion between sides. That's where I'm at. I know too much to make counter-arguments against my own thoughts. The brain doesn't work 9 to 5. It never shuts down. Hence, I'm in this state of perpetual tiredness. I'm too tired to speak. I don't know where to start. This dilemma, I'd like to call wisdom. Wise people don't advise. Instead, wise people listen and organize thoughts. Wise people only ask questions, to be certain which folder to file information in. And by asking questions they encourage thinking, which transcends. Hence, the other person believes s/he has received answers. This ability to understand both sides, causes the ability to love both sides, which in turn causes the inability to choose sides. This inability, confusion, or dilemma, is where I'm at. A tormenting place of interwoven thoughts on war, sparring against each other but nobody winning.

This torment, I once mistaken as gratification. I was taught all this time that going with the flow is weakness. Life shouldn't be easy. Being shy, soft-spoken, and all round pleasant, is wrong. So I spent my early twenties denying my talents and instead pursued what's on the other side. This stubbornness and curiosity is what lead me here, at war with myself between what I know and what I am. And I took pride in it. I was a game master. I enjoyed this torment because I thought this is what life is about - hard, that's how our parents taught us. Life should be hard, otherwise, should you call it life?

A few years ago, I met someone that changed everything. He allowed me to accept both sides as a worthy part of me. The good and the bad. Once I saw my weakness as strengths, everything changed. Instead of war, they're sharing tea. Instead of discarding ideas I thought were weak, I filed it amongst the thoughts I thought were strong. They share one file room now. And suddenly, my world expanded and my vision intensified. I have more weapons at my disposal. Useful in life, I suppose, but not in writing a book.